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You’ll shoot your eye out

feed me, things that will make you fat December 13, 2013

Greetings & Salutations.

Every year, I throw a Cookie Exchange. The first year, I was a bit stringent about the rules- I required recipes, cookie vetting, and well, was a general cookie nazi about the whole thing. Over the years, I’ve mellowed out a bit, and this the 9th year, I’ve basically just shrugged my shoulders and said “if it’s going to happen, it will.” I’ve made some incredible cookies over the years, and some epic Pinterest fails. Let us never forget the tragic failure of the “melted snowman cookies” of 2011.

This year, I was inspired. I had a theme. I had a plan. I had a cookie recipe and a cookie cutter. I was going to be unstoppable.

The goal: Create amazing Leg Lamp Cookies with a simple butter cookie recipe.

The result: Not so amazing Leg Lamp Cookies with a damn delicious butter cookie recipe.

The issue: Said Leg Lamp Cookie Cutter is plastic. It’s a pain in the ass. I got a LOT of broken stumps of cookies, because the oh-so-delicious butter cookie recipe repeatedly got stuck in the Leg Lamp Cookie Cutter.

The dogs ate a lot of the broken cookies.

That being said, here is the recipe and the end results…



2 cups flour
2 sticks butter (softened)
1/2 cup confectioners sugar
Combine all ingredients by hand; and then chill dough for 30 minutes.
Roll out dough and cut with cookie cutters or cookie press.
Bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees on an ungreased cookie sheet.  Bake until JUST lightly browned on edges.
Here is the problem: the cookie cutter is plastic. Pain in the butt plastic. If you have a plastic cookie cutter, I STRONGLY recommend dipping it into flour before each cut.
The result:
Quite a few broken legs. As the classic movie would suggest, these were FRA-GILE… Yes, the Italian girl made them.

But Say A Prayer…

pinterest failures, random me December 12, 2013

Oh, I do love me a good Christmas song with 80’s men singing with exceptionally large hair. And mullets. God, I love Bono and a mullet.

Bad blogger lately. Been maintaining the business of surviving lately. Nothing spectacular to report, but I’ll give you the highlights of late:


1. Ezra the Anti-Elf on the Shelf and I put together a rather spectacular half-assed attempt at a Gingerbread House yesterday. By the time we came around to the front of the house, I got bored, Ezra was drunk on Sugar, and a nap was needed.

Simple Gingerbread House

Simple Gingerbread House


I’m preparing for the 9th annual Christmas Cookie exchange. My heart is half into it this year. Money is tight, so I can do the things I normally love to do. Oh well, cookies are cookies. Women are women and well, it will happen with or without the crazy little extras I like to do. Today is “bake the cookie” day. Tomorrow is “Decorate the cookie Day.” Saturday is “MAKE NEW COOKIE IF THESE SUCK DAY.”  Thanks to a darling friend however, I have a good amount of booze.

Cookie Exchange Booze

Cookie Exchange Booze


I thought about working out yesterday. I did. I really did. Instead, I watched my neighbor sit on his roof.



I started working on three new projects this week. Topics include craft cocktails, branding for small business and wait for it… vending machines.


The days, they are, if nothing, diverse.


12 Days Until Christmas Eve.

12 Days Left to Griswald my exterior. The interior is quite cracked out.

christmas tree decorating, christmas ideas

12 Days Left to make my presents.



12 Days Left to convince Santa that I really, truly would enjoy a man for Christmas. And the day after Christmas. And So on.


But seriously, what department do I need to communicate to Santa that I would like a real live man for Christmas? A fully employed man. A man with his stuff together. A non-Peter pan type man.


That’s what I want for Christmas. And a Red Rider BB Gun.


Please and thank you.






i just can’t even post today

random me November 28, 2013

The Lions.


Stupid Jarod Jeweler Commercials.

A Pinterest Project that is taking FOREVER. 2 hours my eye.

Turkey Trot.

The Lions.

Decorating tomorrow.

Broken Fridge.


Word association is brought to you today by the letter T for Turkey and the letter L for Lions.


Brain fried.

More tomorrow. I promise. Three projects, two new recipes, and Bing Crosby.


The Anti Elf on a Shelf

manifestos November 24, 2013

This morning, before Icemageddon hit the DFW metroplex, I ventured to Target (you really do have to pronounce it TARJAY if you are going to be my friend. )

I needed a big box of salt, heavy whipping cream, light bulbs (still can’t find the one I want), and a few odds and ends. You know, the way it goes at Target.

I found myself wandering through the books/cds/dvd area, when I saw it.

The bane of my existence  – post Thanksgiving and up until Christmas eve.

The damn Elf on a Shelf.

Stupid Elf on a Shelf

The Elf On A Shelf

Few thoughts on this dude.

1.) He has a creepy look. Seriously, he looks like he should be driving a cargo van and smells like Drakkar. I hate, hate, hate the Elf on the shelf.

2.) He costs, are you ready for this … $30. $30 bucks to dangle this thing in front of your kid to insure that they are being good during the last month prior to Christmas? $29.90? Holy crap, that blew me away. I thought it would be $10 bucks, max. AND Now, you can buy a “girl” version and for another $10 bucks you can buy her a skirt. Like this dude doesn’t look a little light in the loafers anyways? $40 dollars for a “lasting family tradition.”

3.) People that get into Elfing kinda scare me. I mean, there are women that create elaborate scenes each day. I can barely brush my hair each day, DON’T have any kids and yet, these women create ice rinks in the middle of their toilets for their little darlings to find each day.

4.) And what the hell happened to “you better be good, or Santa is going to bring you a big ole bunch of nothing?” Why does Santa need an elaborate communication with a slightly pervy looking elf to report back? Why do we need to negotiate with the terrorists, sic, children these days? I mean, we have letters, emails, videos to Santa, endless opportunities to message with the big guy, and now we need a creepy elf stalking you to ensure that you don’t act the total fool?


Stuff and Nonsense.

All of that being said, I bring you, Ezra the Elf.

Ezra, the Anti Elf on the Shelf.

Ezra, the Anti Elf on the Shelf.


According to Jewish teachings, Ezra means “helper.” I thought that would be the perfect name for my Anti-Elf on the Shelf helper.

Here is the plan:


When we get around to it this Holiday Season, you will see Ezra completing a variety of tasks.

There may or may not be pictures.

Most likely, Ezra will have a drinking problem.


I would like to point out a few things:


1.) Ezra doesn’t have a creepy face

2.) Ezra cost less than $4 bucks.

3.) Ezra looks jolly AND has his arms up to help. I don’t know where the Elf on the Shelfs arms have been. Seriously, that dude gives me the creeps.

As it is one month today from Christmas Eve, Ezra and I are plotting our version of world domination today with boozy beverages. Don’t judge. Santa doesn’t like prissy judges. Don’t make me have to launch Ezra on a “no judgey” campaign between now and the 25th of December.

To manage your expectations, Ezra isn’t going to be doing anything miraculous. It’s not how he rolls. He isn’t going to be changing the organization of my house. Who has time for that? Instead, Ezra will be here pointing out things, and generally finding mirth in this morning mimosa.

We’ve got to go get ready for Thanksgivikkuh. See you later.






Blessings and Thanks

craft me November 1, 2013

Happy November. It certainly feels more fall-ish this morning- only 48 degrees. This makes me happy AND thankful that my darn A/C doesn’t have to be on.

I’ve got the folks in Central Texas on my mind today- the floods yesterday were crazy. A friend of mine posted that many won’t have basic services (electricity, gas, water) for a few weeks. Thats INSANE. I’m thankful that casualty number appears to be low.

I found a project on Pinterest (shocking) that I think I’m going to undertake this month. It basically has you hanging a small bit of paper with a daily blessing written down and attached to the tree. Since I lost my mind in September, I launched a Harvest tree (picture below), so I think I’m going to attach a daily thought/thankful and see if it helps me “set myself .

So, there you go. My November plan. To be thankful. To be present and to spend less time online.