Good morning.

Greetings from the little house on Lavender lane. Today, we are seeking to find a little clarity (as well as all of our capital letters.)

This post has been brewing for a while. Some might say 35 years, others might say three weeks. Either way, it’s been building in my mind and now it’s time to get it out.

People grow & change. that’s rather the point of life, eh?

Sometimes, and for everyone, I’m guessing, the timing of the “oh wait a moment” moment happens randomly and not always when expected.

In the past few weeks, I’ve slowly been having one big, life-changing “oh F that” moment.  (Note the lack of swears…

I’m tired.

I’m tired of allowing myself to spend way too much time pleasing people that genuinely don’t value me for who I am, rather than what they wish I was. That sentence. Are you picking up what I’m throwing down?

At the age of 40.75, I’m finally saying “ok, i know I’m not your cup of tea, so why don’t we just part ways.”

I’m tired of spending so much time trying to adjust WHO I am and WHAT I am to fit the mold of a really stupid ideal.

My ass is, and will always be, big. That’s my charm. Big boobs, big ass. I mean, there will be slimmer days, and heavier days, but I am what I am. I am not going to wake up one morning and be skinny. That is not me, I love bread too much.(In fact, I’m dying for a chunk of bread with some butter.)  I am tired, however, of being measured as a person, by the shape of my body. You don’t have to be with me, but you sure as hell will not continue to use my body against me.

My body has been a source of consternation and shame since I was 10 years old and I was told I needed to drink slim fast so that I could be more like the girls down the street.

Yes, a pre-teen, hormonally challenged girl was told that she was fat and drinking slim fast, would make it better. Did it? Nah. It did inspire a lifelong obsession with sneaking food. So, ya, there is that. I question anyone that actually seems to like me and/or my body, wondering what is wrong with them. Ya. Sigh.

I’ve spent a lot, and I mean, a lot of my life being told some combination of the following:

1.) “Cover up, no one wants to see that.”

2.) You know, I really deserve a hot chick. (That one still stings)

3.) You’ve let yourself go.

4.) I’m tired of being with fat women.

5.) Don’t you have a mirror? You should never wear a bathing suit.

6.) Your legs are too heavy.

7.) Your boobs are too big.

8.) You should never wear short skirts.

9.) No one wants to see your cleavage.

and on, and on, and on.

My weight and body have been used as a weapon against me. Sure, I fight this crap every single day. This morning, as I was putting on work out clothes, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought “oh, i shouldn’t wear these leggings, they show too much ass.” But I kept on my perfect body covering leggings from Athleta and I went to the mat and yoga’d my way into Friday.

And still the voices in my head sometimes still succeed.

I’ve never willingly taken a full body picture and let anyone see it. Crazy right? Considering people see me in full-length glory every day (when I leave my house), but I absolutely despise looking at myself because of the voices in my head. “Your skirt is too short, those shorts make you look trashy…”

And on and on and on.

This is not a plea or a beg for warm fuzzies. I know who I am and what I am. This is just simply an “I’m so tired of letting people in my head.”

I’m tired of people using my body against me. To chip away at my self-esteem. To make me question myself.

To make me feel like I’m not good enough for anyone.

To make me question anyone that shows interest or intention.

To make me wonder why I can’t make people like me more?

When you’ve spent the majority of your days trying really hard to make someone care about you, you allow really crappy thoughts to enter in your head.

I want to find some mojo again.

I want to feel good about myself again.

I want to stop trying to please those who can’t be pleased. No, correction, I am done pleasing those who will not be pleased. I will do my best to stop letting them get to me.

I will stop chasing what will just not be mine.

With more clarity (and some decongestants), I realize that the people that have been critiquing me are far, far far from perfect. It’s odd to me that I’ve let them have so much power for so long. But sometimes, habits are hard to break.

So, I’m going to be trying some different things- trying different ways to get those voices out of my head. Trying different ways to feel better about me. Being really ok with creating more distance from those who like to bring me down. Way down. Moving more. Eating better foods. Find people that like me for who I am, just as I am, without some kind of plan to make me fit better into their ideas of awesomeness.

And with that- have a good Friday.