Before I get lambasted, let me just preface this post by the following: IT’s MY OWN OPINION.

Holidays have gone off the charts whackadoo.

I noticed this a few years ago when someone started giving presents during Advent. You know, the days LEADING UP to Christmas? The celebration of the birth of Christ? This ain’t Hanukkah. Presents aren’t suppose to be given each day of Advent. The nuns would have told me so. Presents. Oy, the presents. I’m always blown away by the absurd amount of presents a kid gets on Christmas. Ipads, bikes, phones more expensive than what I, as a 37-year-old woman has. Stacks of clothes. Stockings so heavy that they need reinforcement. Holy hell. We’ve lost touch with the concept of gift giving and the spirit of the holidays.

Halloween. GIFT Baskets for Halloween? How about “throw on a costume and DO THE WORK” for the candy. WALK THE STREETS you little urchins. Don’t go to a trick or Trunk (lame concept if you ask me). If you want to go trick or treating walk the streets with your parents, say HI to your neighbors and guess what, we will give you candy. DO THE WORK.

Valentines Day. Pinterest has destroyed this holiday. Parents staying up for hours the night before to craft an amazing gimme for their kids to pass out at school. Way to eff up your kids expectations if they are getting highly curated gifts in First Grade, what are they going to do the first time their boyfriend forgets or God Forbid, goes to Walgreens for a present? My favorite Valentines Day? Third grade. We made, emphasis on WE, not our parents, MADE VALENTINES day boxes out of whatever crap our moms had lying around. THEN we would walk around and hand out store-bought tiny valentines. IF you were lucky, you might get a Hershey kiss, or maybe those message hearts. NOT elaborate projects that no kid even touched.

Easter. Oh sweet baby Target. Easter. There is a woman down the street that has already tossed out the Easter decorations. In my very Catholic house, we didn’t celebrate, decorate, or acknowledge EASTER until Easter Sunday. Why? Because LENT is the most solemn time of reflection and it wasn’t appropriate. Easter Saturday we would decorate some eggs with dye, and then wake up on Sunday morning to a basket filled with some jelly beans, Hershey kisses and maybe a coloring book. MAYBE. No major Easter presents. New dress for mass, and boom, that’s what it was.

Yesterday, I sailed off the deep edge when I saw posts of people “hiding presents from the leprechaun.” Are you effing kidding me? St. Patrick’s Day is a Feast Day celebrating the DEATH of St. Patrick. Hell, Irish people don’t even go batshit crazy over this one. How did it become ok to start hiding pots of Gold? PINTEREST, I’m LOOKING AT YOU AGAIN. Growing up, we might wear a green sweater, or a green pair of knee socks and then go to MASS. You know, because it’s a religious holiday. As a young adult, I got hammered twice on Green Beer and then vowed “NEVER AGAIN.”

Sure, I hosted a brunch this weekend with Guinness themed food. Why? I wanted a reason to celebrate, and people are growing tired of my birthday raging. So, we made it kinda green. We are adults. There were no gold coins, leprechaun hiding crap, or pots of gold under a rainbow. Instead there were a bunch of middle-aged women listening to Flogging Molly and drinking gallons of champagne. Because we could.

I beg you. Plead with you SLOW YOUR ROLL on Holidays. Not everything is gift worthy. Not everything is a present party. We are teaching kids to wake up, look at the calendar and hold their hand out because today is “Terrific Tuesday, a glorious day for T themed presents.”