Forgive the ramblings this morning. I took some pain medication last night and my head is beyond fuzzy and I am ever so wobbly this morning. Instead of being productive, I’m sitting on the couch thinking about life. Life, friends, family, imaginary husbands and imaginary babies. In other words, all of the stuff. I am thinking about all of the stuff.
I was just flipping through the Facebook and landed on a childhood friends page. He has two daughters, gorgeous creatures that are growing up. Obviously children grow up, but he has two girls teetering on the brink of adulthood and it’s hard for me to reconcile the knuckle head friend of times past being a daddy to two teen girls.
I then realized that this could have also been me. I could have been the mom of teenagers had I not made changes. Decisions. Packing my up my shit and moving to Texas decisions. Leaving. Changing. Growing.
It’s interesting how a few simple decisions you make when you are young and dumb impact the rest of forever. I think of a few pivotal moments in my life and wonder had I answered questions differently, would I be sitting on my couch with a fuzzy head today?
Here is where I am conflicted. I like the couch that my fuzzy head is sitting on. I love my black labbish dog sitting next to me grumpy for no particular reason. I love my sweet friends and the people in my life today. If I would have said no all of those years ago, I wouldn’t have Weeze, nor would I have gotten Guster. Or perhaps even made it to Texas. The mind reels with the possibilities.
I think this upcoming birthday is jacking me up. Really. I’m getting closer to 40 every hour of every day. 40 isn’t the issue, but reconciling the transition is hard. I’m not old, yet not young. Certain aspects of my life are changing and I need to be ok with the life that i have today. I could sit here and do the coulda/shoulda/woulda dance all day long, but it doesn’t change anything.
We make a jillion decisions in our lives. You can never be certain that the path you are taking is the right one, but you have to choose which path to ramble. I’m on the path, but I keep eyeballing the other road and wonder “what if?”
I think instead of lamenting the past, I need to focus on celebrating the future. Closing the door. Break the boomerang. Stop looking back and just face forward. I need to start planning the future. I need to stop living for only today and instead focus on the life that leads ahead of me.
I told my mom this weekend that I never imagined myself aging past 40. My best friend Caren has heard me say this countless times. It’s not particularly morbid, I just never could see myself past 40. I have no idea what that version of me look likes. I always just thought I would go out in a dramatic blaze of glory and never need plan for anything past 2017.
As luck would have it, I am still here and I need to start working on my future. Defining what that is going to look like. Changes. Lots of changes are ahead.