Good morning. At the tone, the time will be 6:13 am Central time and I’m fired up.
I was chastised in the past 24 hours for “making it political.”
Really though, I wasn’t being chastised because I made it political (something that I do with a higher frequency now than I did, say 6 years ago), but I was being bitched at because I was audacious enough to say something I believed in and that thought was not congruent with the other persons belief structure.
We are not going to always agree on the things (BH, I’m looking at you brother.) I believe though that we should be able to have conversations without shutting someone down.
If I wanted to be shut down for speaking my mind, I would go back and live with my parents. I have a different belief structure than them about well, just about everything except homemade bread, fresh tomatoes, and Michigan sports.
I am tired of casual racism. I’m tired of overt racism. I can’t understand how some people still view people of color differently. I honestly can not wrap my head around this. I don’t understand how the rules are applied so differently. I don’t understand how one life is valued differently than others, and please, don’t tell me it isn’t. If Tim Tebow would have taken a knee during the National Anthem to protest the restriction of a Christian belief, you can NOT tell me that the national narrative would be different.
I’m tired of people trying to infuse their personal religious construct and beliefs with the government and law. Let us harken back to the days of Jefferson and remember : “I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should ‘make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof’, thus building a wall of separation between Church & State.” 1802, Thomas Jefferson in a letter to the Danbury Baptist Association.
I’m really tired of men trying to legislate a woman’s body. VERY TIRED. For the record, and if you were confused, not all women use birth control as an abortion (??) I can not believe that in 2018, there is still debate about this. If we were to be candid, and I am always candid, I will say this: despite my utter misery of never having children, every 90 days, I go get a birth control shot. Not because I am avoiding having children (I can’t), but instead I’d like to regulate my cycle enough so I don’t bleed 28 out of 30 days. But you know, “now I’m talking about something private.”
I’m tired of the fact that we are not having louder conversations about the hundreds of children down in the valley separated from their children.
I’m confused as to why there is more angst about Nike supporting an athlete for taking a stand then there is about the babies in holding cells at the border. What we as a nation choose to care about confuses me.
There are people in positions of power that still try to legislate what comes out of our bodies, but we are ok with kids held in detention centers.
I’m tired of being told that I’m narrow-minded because I’m not a super fan of this administration. I don’t see the financial benefits that many are seeing. I’m not ok with this trend of evangelical legislation that suits a percentage, but not the whole of the nation. I can’t believe more aren’t pissed that coal is still an active conversation. Have they found a cure for Black Lung? Are all of the risks associated with mining gone?
I’m really tired of people not speaking up. We are coming into a critical election cycle. Register, vote, have your voice counted. You can be a conservative and still speak out against something. It’s ok. You can be a liberal and speak out. Just, for the love of G-d, say something. It’s ok to make it political. We have a voice too.
no, not me, my blog.
she needed a makeover.
botox was not going to cut it. (ok, that’s me, not my site)
i’ve nipped & tucked, and well, run out of ideas.
it’s a work in progress (just like me), but at least she got a new outfit.
or something like that.
i suck at blogging, but want to be better.
really, i want to write a book, but first, i’m going to challenge myself to blog.
hence the makeover.
maybe i’ll write more?
i need a project that isn’t work. need. need it like a fat kid needs cake.
i’m in a rut. i work, i sleep, i do it all again.
i’m barely cooking. (despite my size).
i’m barely knitting.
i’m barely doing life.
hence, the makeover.
maybe giving the old gal a new look might inspire me.
Well. So much for intentional, ongoing posting.
It’s been a bit.
Last time I posted on this here blog (incredibly awful grammar intended), it was February 9, 2018.
I had hit the damn wall.
Based on the context of the last blog post, I’m assuming I had words with my mother. Or the man that I used to know. Or maybe both. I don’t know. I just know that 2/9/18, was actually an interesting day.
I had enough. I had enough of people snarking at me. I had enough of being malcontent. I grew weary of being so tired (bummed) that I could barely get out of bed. I was also coming off of almost 8 weeks of having MRSA/sinus infection, and I know I was darn tired.
I don’t remember much about that day, but I do know that it started me down a path to some changes.
#1- I stopped feeling compelled to call the woods on the regular. Phones ring both ways.
#2- I stopped trying to make something out of nothing. Once you realize that there is nothing left, it’s incredible to realize how much you can really stop worrying/caring about someone.
#3- I needed a reason to get up and out of bed.
#4- I needed to get healthier
#5- I needed to mix things up professionally. I was stagnant, and if you know me at all, that is a bigly bad thing.
So, since 2/9/18, here is the cliff notes version of my life:
- got a new job
- get dressed every day and go to an office
- got George a dog-nanny and it cut my stress down daily. ok, i pay someone to come let him out every day, but i don’t worry about him eating the walls when he has to pee.
- continued my divorce from Philip Morris
- got into a car accident
- ended up in the hospital with stupid high blood pressure
- realized that i am fully middle-aged
- oh ya, turned 41
- realize daily that i need to do more in my personal life. there has to be more than junior league and brunches. right?
- got a new tattoo (the last one was almost 18 years old)
- went on a really shitty internet date where I was told that I wasn’t pretty enough to date anyone. um, whatever dude. i can give you the names of at least two people that would disagree.
- made a few trips to Austin for the new job (that i love) to see clients (that are awesome) and it allows me to see my people (that i really truly love.)
- trying to wear less black clothes and more color. I’m not in mourning. also trying to balance out the animal print percentage of my wardrobe (peg bundy forever.)
- replaced two windows that my dog put his head through.
- pretty sure i need another sewer line and have been dropping off my laundry because that’s just a hot mess at the house.
- realized a need for a new blog design, but i’ll get to that later.
- embraced CBD lotion for aiding in the bullshit that is RA on my hands/ankles/knees/shoulders/elbows.
- declared Saturdays to be #caftansaturday – yes, in the spirit of fetch, i’m trying to make this a thing.
- oh yes, had a major financial crisis and that threw a wrench in the #makekatedebtfree plan, but whatever. one of my amazing people provided a bailout and i’m thankful.
- didn’t plant a vegetable garden, nor did i plant a single plant on my patio, and i’m more or less ok with it.
- went to a bachelorette weekend, threw a bridal shower and was a bridesmaid
- saw a ballet
- changed dynamics of some friendships. more or less ok with the changes. life goes on.
- Weezie turned 9 this month.
- George went to work and became an intern
- i forgot birthdays, anniversaries and holidays (excuse=middle aged)
- oh and there is an egg-shaped mass on my right boob that is (and I quote) “most likely benign, and probably not cancer.” Not shockingly, that half-ass answer does keep me up at night.
There is more, but a lot has happened since the last time I’ve blogged.
Every time I come back from a hiatus, I declare “I will never let it go that long again.” Ya, I’m not going to promise that. But what I will work on is trying to find a balance, fun things to do and saying no to more.
Yes, I made “Saying no to more” a thing. I’m really tired of doing stuff I really don’t want to do and then resenting it. Life is too short for resentment and regret. I’m trying to live with a little more intention. I want to be more intentional in the way I spend my hours. Speaking of hours, it’s 6:30 am and I’ve been up for two hours already. Today should be interesting.
My new schtick? Say yes. Do the thing. Let other people deal with their own crap. I’m not responsible for other peoples stuff. I’m not going to overschedule myself to be the busiest girl in Texas. Instead? I’m just going to take each day as they come and figure out how to be a little better with each sunrise.
And now, I must get Georgie boy off the dining room table. Happy Thursday everyone. Happy Thursday.
Greetings from the little house on Lavender lane. Today, we are seeking to find a little clarity (as well as all of our capital letters.)
This post has been brewing for a while. Some might say 35 years, others might say three weeks. Either way, it’s been building in my mind and now it’s time to get it out.
People grow & change. that’s rather the point of life, eh?
Sometimes, and for everyone, I’m guessing, the timing of the “oh wait a moment” moment happens randomly and not always when expected.
In the past few weeks, I’ve slowly been having one big, life-changing “oh F that” moment. (Note the lack of swears…
I’m tired of allowing myself to spend way too much time pleasing people that genuinely don’t value me for who I am, rather than what they wish I was. That sentence. Are you picking up what I’m throwing down?
At the age of 40.75, I’m finally saying “ok, i know I’m not your cup of tea, so why don’t we just part ways.”
I’m tired of spending so much time trying to adjust WHO I am and WHAT I am to fit the mold of a really stupid ideal.
My ass is, and will always be, big. That’s my charm. Big boobs, big ass. I mean, there will be slimmer days, and heavier days, but I am what I am. I am not going to wake up one morning and be skinny. That is not me, I love bread too much.(In fact, I’m dying for a chunk of bread with some butter.) I am tired, however, of being measured as a person, by the shape of my body. You don’t have to be with me, but you sure as hell will not continue to use my body against me.
My body has been a source of consternation and shame since I was 10 years old and I was told I needed to drink slim fast so that I could be more like the girls down the street.
Yes, a pre-teen, hormonally challenged girl was told that she was fat and drinking slim fast, would make it better. Did it? Nah. It did inspire a lifelong obsession with sneaking food. So, ya, there is that. I question anyone that actually seems to like me and/or my body, wondering what is wrong with them. Ya. Sigh.
I’ve spent a lot, and I mean, a lot of my life being told some combination of the following:
1.) “Cover up, no one wants to see that.”
2.) You know, I really deserve a hot chick. (That one still stings)
3.) You’ve let yourself go.
4.) I’m tired of being with fat women.
5.) Don’t you have a mirror? You should never wear a bathing suit.
6.) Your legs are too heavy.
7.) Your boobs are too big.
8.) You should never wear short skirts.
9.) No one wants to see your cleavage.
and on, and on, and on.
My weight and body have been used as a weapon against me. Sure, I fight this crap every single day. This morning, as I was putting on work out clothes, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought “oh, i shouldn’t wear these leggings, they show too much ass.” But I kept on my perfect body covering leggings from Athleta and I went to the mat and yoga’d my way into Friday.
And still the voices in my head sometimes still succeed.
I’ve never willingly taken a full body picture and let anyone see it. Crazy right? Considering people see me in full-length glory every day (when I leave my house), but I absolutely despise looking at myself because of the voices in my head. “Your skirt is too short, those shorts make you look trashy…”
And on and on and on.
This is not a plea or a beg for warm fuzzies. I know who I am and what I am. This is just simply an “I’m so tired of letting people in my head.”
I’m tired of people using my body against me. To chip away at my self-esteem. To make me question myself.
To make me feel like I’m not good enough for anyone.
To make me question anyone that shows interest or intention.
To make me wonder why I can’t make people like me more?
When you’ve spent the majority of your days trying really hard to make someone care about you, you allow really crappy thoughts to enter in your head.
I want to find some mojo again.
I want to feel good about myself again.
I want to stop trying to please those who can’t be pleased. No, correction, I am done pleasing those who will not be pleased. I will do my best to stop letting them get to me.
I will stop chasing what will just not be mine.
With more clarity (and some decongestants), I realize that the people that have been critiquing me are far, far far from perfect. It’s odd to me that I’ve let them have so much power for so long. But sometimes, habits are hard to break.
So, I’m going to be trying some different things- trying different ways to get those voices out of my head. Trying different ways to feel better about me. Being really ok with creating more distance from those who like to bring me down. Way down. Moving more. Eating better foods. Find people that like me for who I am, just as I am, without some kind of plan to make me fit better into their ideas of awesomeness.
And with that- have a good Friday.
For me often, it starts with a song.
Tonight, while cleaning up a kitchen that has fed many, I was quietly standing there, wiping down the counter when this song came on:
Immediately, as if time travel actually existed, I was transported back to my little apartment on West Annie 17 years ago.