An Open Letter to Amazon

Dear Amazon,


I feel like I should start this letter by giving you a compliment. You’ve made my life easier. I love my Prime account. I love the streaming hours of mindless tv. I love the fact that I can hit “one click order” when I realize that I’m getting low on light-bulbs or batteries.

I love that I can spend hours looking at things I don’t need, want, or should buy. I love the fact that I can order heavy stuff that my lazy self doesn’t want too schlep.


I think you need to add a feature. A button. A button that might cause a miniscule drop in revenue, but increase overall client satisfaction.

Here is my feature request:

Please add a button that says “Are you really sure you want to buy this? No, really, are you sure?”

Yes, that’s what I want the button to say. Or the prompt. Or perhaps a breathalyzer.

Example A:

I went on today to look up “cute fall throw blankets.” Because I only have 97. Within 33 seconds, I had ordered this majestic thing of beauty:

Screen Shot 2014-09-01 at 12.29.18 PM


Please note the use of “lavish.”


It gets better. I wish I didn’t, but it did.

There may or may not have been wine involved when I bought this gem:

Screen Shot 2014-09-01 at 12.31.34 PM


Because I’m such an avid Elk Lover.

This piece of high fashion will arrive on Thursday. Thing is, I know I could return the elk bag, but it’s SO incredibly horrible, that I need it.


I need to wear it as a badge. A badge that says to the world “I’m not a hipster. I’m not a hunter. I just drink and order things on Amazon Prime.”


So, in conclusion, dear Amazon,

Help a sister out please. Please, dear Jesus, help a sister out.




Filled with anticipation of Elk Bags.

29 Replies to “An Open Letter to Amazon

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