What? You didn’t realize I had a MD attached to my name?

Oh yes, I do. Based on extensive research, I’ve granted myself the all-powerful Kate, MD title. What sites caused such incredible knowledge? Specifically, but not limited to WebMD.com and Mayoclinic.com.

Let me share with you some of my awesome diagnoses:

Exhibit A:

Shingles.

A month or so ago, I found that I had developed a rash on my side, right under my bra line. Without pause, I dashed to WebMD, and sought out the expert advice of the Self Diagnosis tool. It appears that my symptom (singular) was right in line with Shingles. I had Chicken Pox when I was in 2nd grade, so therefore, it could be nothing but shingles.

An hour or so later, I was chatting with Hey Jude (aka, my mother), who politely suggested that perhaps it could have been an allergic reaction to the home laundry detergent that I had recently made.

Well hell.

Exhibit B.

Colon Cancer.

Earlier this fall, I was on a militant no carb, all protein diet. Awesome for your digestive track. Right?

My innards didn’t appreciate the high volume of meat, and very little ingestion of anything with fiber. My guts started to revolt. In a big, bad way.

I’ll spare you the details, but I was sure that I had ulcerative colitis or colon cancer thanks to a trip to MayoClinic.com

I started planning my funeral. I was surely a goner.

Upon sharing said diagnosis with my friend Danielle, who, by the by, works for a large Gastro group in Austin, it was suggested that instead of fatal colon cancer, perhaps I have a hemmoroid, or just a really upset stomach from eating non-stop beef and chicken. No bread, no leafy vegetables.

She also suggested that perhaps I should quell my crazy and take a nap.

I shared my expertise with a physician friend last week when I was in North Dakota. Let’s just say he rolled his eyes, shook his head, and poured me another glass of wine.

I wish people would realize that I’m damn good at this doctoring thing. Hell, I’m practically Doogie Houser, MD.