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What not to eat if you are diabetic, or Rhubarb Cake.

feed me, things that will make you fat July 10, 2014

rhubarb, rhubarb cake

 

 

I’m going to put this out here right away- this is NOT a healthy, “clean” recipe. No where even close. In fact, it would be the opposite of clean based on the jello and mini marshmellows. Still with me? Good.

I was at dinner last night at my  friend Crystals and I brought her a few bags of Rhubarb. I scored a major case of it earlier this summer, chopped it up and froze for me and my northern friends. I probably need to tell you about Crystal before I go any further. One, she is an amazing cook. Two, she exercises like a freak show with four babies is in better shape than I ever hope to be in my life. Three, she eats clean.

ALL of that being said. she made for me her Grandmas Famous Upside Down Rhubarb Cake. This is so freaking delicious and not at all healthy. I mean, just plan on strapping on your running shoes, because you are going to have a hard time just eating one piece.

Instructions (more or less as I was hanging out with her kids while she was tossing this together)

Ingredients:

1 Box of White Cake Mix plus all the crap for the cake mix.

2 cups chopped rhubarb

1 box strawberry jello

few handfuls of mini marshmellows.

 

Ready for the incredibly complicated assembly?

Preheat your oven to the temp that your cake mix requires. (Crystal says 325 for 35-40 minutes ish)

Spray a 9*13 pan with whatever spray mix of choice

Toss the 2 c of rhubarb on the bottom of the pan

Sprinkle entire box of jello over rhubarb

Cover mixture with a layer of mini marshmellows.

Make cake mix according to directions.

Pour said cake mix over concoction

Toss in oven.

Set timer. Don’t go out to the pool and forget about the cake like we almost did.

Let cool.

Slice cake

Shove your face in the goodness.

If you are really into living on the edge, I could see that cool-whip would be rather sassy on top of this.

Enjoy.

 

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Summer Days

feed me, things that will make you less fat May 19, 2014

Over the weekend, I was invited to go on a pontoon in Austin in a few weeks.

Yay fun, right?

Reality sunk in: My sizable body will have to don a swim suit of some kind, and expose many, many bits of flesh to the world that otherwise, I like to keep well covered under layers of clothing.

I woke up this morning, and thought “this is it, this is the day that I’m going to get out of bed, walk a few miles and dominate this fluffy body of mine.”

Instead, I grabbed a protein shake and tried to plank for 20 seconds.

Gravity isn’t kind dear readers. Gravity, she is a bitch.

 

I decided that if I can’t drag myself to do necessary cardio each morning, I’m going to control what goes into my food hole.

This week, I’m going to make this pasta salad so I can cure my bathing suit drama:

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Chicken Manicotti In My Mouth

things that will make you less fat February 18, 2014

On of my favorite food genres is Italian. I love fresh veggies, pasta and well, more pasta. A few years ago, I found a recipe for an insanely easy chicken manicotti recipe that was almost healthy. Over the years, I’ve tweaked it a bit. I swear, it’s almost healthy.

This makes a BUNCH- I typically break it up in three pans- keep one, eat one, and give one away:

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Chicken Manicotti (Practically Healthy)

1.5 boxes of Manicotti shells

1 c shredded zuchinni

1 c shredded carrots

1/2 c diced onions

2 cloves garlic (minced)

4-5 oz portabella mushrooms diced

6-7 raw chicken tenderloins. I’ve used chicken breasts in the past, but found that a tenderloin is more size appropriate and cooks more evenly.

4 oz cream cheese. You can use light if you want

1 c skim ricotta

1 tsp dried basil

1 tsp dried oregano

wee bit of olive oil for the pan

Tomato Sauce. You will need about 3 cups when all said and done. Use your own, use jar- i don’t care.

Few handfuls of mozzarella and grated parm.

 

 

Ok- let’s get cooking:

 

Sautee onions and garlic 2-3 minutes in a large pan with a small swirl of olive oil. I read somewhere that spraying a pan with PAM works, but I think olive oil tastes better

Add cut up raw chicken to pan and cook until all of the pink is gone. DO NOT BURN CHICKEN. Been there, done that. AKA, pay attention, otherwise, this will screw up your day.

Once the chicken is 99% cooked, add in veggies. Cook for another 2-3 minutes.

Add herbs and a dash of black pepper.

Chop up 4 oz of cream cheese and mix into the pan. Stir, stir, stir until the cheese is melted.

Take off heat, toss in a bowl, and add ricotta.

Toss in fridge for 20 minutes (ish)

NOW…

Start your water boiling for manicotti.

IGNORE the 7 minutes- seriously. Once you get the water boiling, cook them 5 minutes, drain immediately and let them dry on a cookie sheet (NOT TOUCHING)

Once the manicotti has cooled, pull your mixture out of fridge.

Take about a 1/2 c of sauce and cover the bottom of your pan.

USE A BABY SPOON and gently fill the pasta. Don’t overstuff, otherwise, you will break the pasta, and that will suck.

Place the filled manicotti on top of the sauce. Repeat. Don’t leave too much space in between the pastas.

Cover the row with another smoosh of sauce. You don’t want it drenched, but you want it mostly covered.

Sprinkle some mozz on top of the sauce and lightly dust with grated parm. Don’t be a cheapo and used the powdered stuff. It will suck.

 

Now… you can either cook this at 350 for about 40 minutes, OR freeze.

 

Enjoy

 

 

The Battle of the Bulge

feed me, things that will make you less fat January 23, 2014

Nope, I’m not talking about the WW2 battle, I’m talking about my own personal battle with the ever expanding width of my hips and butt.

On Christmas Eve, after gorging at a delicious lunch at a French Souffle restaurant, I loudly announced “My pants are suffocating my waist.”

Yes, I said that.

It was time to make some changes.

About 6 years ago, I made some dramatic lifestyle changes and lost the equivalent of a second grader by working out, and embracing a low carb lifestyle. It wasn’t easy, but it made me feel good. Somewhere along the way, the good habits that I worked so hard to build slowly started to slip away and instead of eating good proteins and delicious green veggies, I found myself diving deep into the land of chips, dips and anything with flour. Sadly, I had undone all the work I had done, slowly and without much awareness.

Until Christmas Eve.

Much like a large percentage of humans, on New Years Day, I resolved to eat better, move more and vowed to try to make myself healthier. I don’t have a particular size goal, or fitness plan, but I know I want to DO more and be a little less.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve managed to eliminate 15lbs. I’ve got a long way to go. It’s not easy. Not surprising, it’s so much more fun packing on the lbs than it is to shed them.

My way of eating- less carbs and white shit.

My fitness plan- get off my butt and move more. Some days I go for a really long walk with the dogs. Some days I play for 45 minutes on my Wii Fit. Some days, I just throw down my yoga mat and do some basic positions that make me feel bendy and good.

In the meantime, I’ve started enjoying cooking with health in mind. I’m not doing Paleo, or even full on Atkins. I’ve just removed all of the things that can be dipped in shit, or slathered with stuff. For now, I’m done with the large bowl of cereal, replacing it instead with an egg muffin stuffed with spinach and protein.

Last night, I was craving Mac & Cheese. Happily, there are a done of food blogs. I made  THIS recipe. It’s really good, tangy and totally satisfied my cravings for Mac & Cheese.

So, there you have it. The goal to have a little less of me to go around.

 

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You’ll shoot your eye out

feed me, things that will make you fat December 13, 2013

Greetings & Salutations.

Every year, I throw a Cookie Exchange. The first year, I was a bit stringent about the rules- I required recipes, cookie vetting, and well, was a general cookie nazi about the whole thing. Over the years, I’ve mellowed out a bit, and this the 9th year, I’ve basically just shrugged my shoulders and said “if it’s going to happen, it will.” I’ve made some incredible cookies over the years, and some epic Pinterest fails. Let us never forget the tragic failure of the “melted snowman cookies” of 2011.

This year, I was inspired. I had a theme. I had a plan. I had a cookie recipe and a cookie cutter. I was going to be unstoppable.

The goal: Create amazing Leg Lamp Cookies with a simple butter cookie recipe.

The result: Not so amazing Leg Lamp Cookies with a damn delicious butter cookie recipe.

The issue: Said Leg Lamp Cookie Cutter is plastic. It’s a pain in the ass. I got a LOT of broken stumps of cookies, because the oh-so-delicious butter cookie recipe repeatedly got stuck in the Leg Lamp Cookie Cutter.

The dogs ate a lot of the broken cookies.

That being said, here is the recipe and the end results…

 

GRAMMY’S BUTTER COOKIE RECIPE

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2 cups flour
2 sticks butter (softened)
1/2 cup confectioners sugar
Combine all ingredients by hand; and then chill dough for 30 minutes.
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Roll out dough and cut with cookie cutters or cookie press.
Bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees on an ungreased cookie sheet.  Bake until JUST lightly browned on edges.
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Here is the problem: the cookie cutter is plastic. Pain in the butt plastic. If you have a plastic cookie cutter, I STRONGLY recommend dipping it into flour before each cut.
The result:
Quite a few broken legs. As the classic movie would suggest, these were FRA-GILE… Yes, the Italian girl made them.
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A Time Of Turkey

things that will make you less fat November 3, 2013

My Cousin inspired this post. She declared that much like artists have certain periods- flowers, women, dogs sitting around a poker table, I am currently going through my culinary Turkey Period.

Candidly, I’m doing it because of my economy, but I do love me some Turkey. I really truly believe that Adam Sandler was in my head when he wrote the Turkey song. Google it if you have been living under a rock and you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Here’s the thing. I don’t understand why people stress out so much about making Thanksgiving dinner. Roasting a turkey, in my opinion is easier than making spaghetti sauce.  All you need are a few items, an oven and patience. Heck, my recipe, doesn’t even require basting.

So, my recipe for roast turkey. This is all very, very approximate. There are a ton of resources for the specifics, but I’ll give you the gist here.  I don’t stuff my bird with traditional “stuffing” or “dressing.” By the by, what do you call that stuff? I’ve learned over the years it’s very regional- dressing, stuffing, potatooo, potatoh.

 

Roast Turkey ala Me.

Ingredients:

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  •  Big ass bird- thawed.  If your bird is frozen, read here about the SAFEST way to thaw your bird.
  • Onion- yellow or white. Peeled and quartered
  • 2 or 3 carrots rough chopped
  • 1-2 celery stalks. Rough chopped. Feel free to leave the tops on.
  • 1 small lemon
  • 1 apple chopped. Don’t bother peeling it. You won’t be eating it.
  • Few cloves of garlic
  • Kosher Salt
  • Olive Oil
  • Black Pepper
  • Sprig of fresh rosemary (if you have it)
  • Few pinches of dried thyme (if you have it)

 

Hardware:

 

Roasting Pan w/rack inside

Knife

Oven (Obviously)

 

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 400 Degrees

Chop all veggies

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Make sure that the turkey has all of the inside stuff removed and quickly rinsed off. Pat dry with paper towel and set aside.

Take a healthy pinch of kosher salt and toss inside of bird.

Gently shove all of the veggies INSIDE the bird. Pack ’em in.

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Drizzle a small amount of olive oil on the bird- massage it in. Sprinkle with more kosher salt and pepper. Place bird BREAST side down.

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Repeat with the olive oil/salt/pepper treatment on the side of the bird facing up.

Toss in the oven- on the BOTTOM RACK- and let cook for 30 minutes at 400 degrees.

After the first 30, turn down oven to 35o and cook for 2-2.5 hours (depending on the weight of the bird) until the internal temp is at LEAST 160, max 180. Juices should be clear, not red.

The following is the hardest part. Seriously.

Take cooked turkey out of the oven.

Turn your broiler on to 500 F

FLIP YOUR BIRD. Yep, you might need an extra set of hands here, but you want to crisp up the bottom that has been facing downwards the entire time.

Once you flip your bird, put back in the oven for 7-10 minutes. Keep an eye on this, because it will get crispy quickly.

Pull back out.

Turn oven off.

Let rest for at least 20 minutes prior to carving.

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Enjoy.