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oh say can you see (my butt from space?)

things that will make you fat January 3, 2016

the size of my intergalatic-plantetary ass?

It’s large and in charge.

The boot made me eat all of the food in Texas. Ya, that’s the ticket.

If I do ONE thing this week, and one thing only, I am going to figure out a way to abstain myself from ending up looking like Jabba The Kate. If I can make it through the week without pretending that I’m eating for triplets, I will consider that a win.


In the meantime, I would like to find a dentist that will please, for the love of Cheese, WIRE MY MOUTH SHUT.





guilty pleasures (or a ranking of the 7 sins)

feed me, things that will make you fat February 11, 2015

While some people are getting ready for 50 Shades of Whatever, I sit here this morning, feeling extremely guilty over last nights gluttony.

gluttony, 7 sins

Some people get their rocks off with tie me up-tie me down Mr. Grey stuff, whereas I get feeling good with a plate of fresh pasta and homemade spaghetti sauce. Oh yea baby. Fresh crusty garlic bread? Keep talking dirty to me baby… mozzarella and tomato salad? YES YES YES.

I will never be thin. I could be healthier. I could work harder to make my ass less planet like, but dear sweet baby Cheesus, I love food. I admit it- a glass of wine and a bowl of pasta is my idea of happy. I eat not to live, but to enjoy it.

I enjoy food. All of the food. Except for salad. I really don’t enjoy salad and it shows.

I probably need to work on this.

I probably need to get off my ass this morning and either go for a long walk OR press play on Tracy Anderson to atone for last nights gluttony.

Speaking of gluttony, I realized that gluttony is my favorite of the 7 Deadly Sins. Here s a ranking of the rest of them (Yes, my inner Catholic pops out when it suits.)

7 sins- Gluttony

Sloth? Yeah, in theory it’s ok, but not quite there. I mean, I feel kinda sloth like when I eat all of the pasta.

Greed? Not really. I mean, I greedily shove balsamic sprinkled mozz into my mouth. Is that greed or gluttony?

Lust, probably a close second for gluttony. Right now, I’m sitting here lusting after Tim Hortons. Sigh. It’s all about the food. It’s all about the food.

Envy- I envy people that don’t have to get off their asses and work out.

Wrath- I pity the fool that eats my last box of Girl Scout cookies. Um, did I just channel Mr. T?

Pride- Clearly I have none, otherwise, I wouldn’t have big ass and talk about it!

So, there you have it. I guess I will get up and do the video. I need to be able to wear short sleeved things in a near future, and I would prefer not to have my arms sway in the wind. Oh, wait…there is pride. Ok. Wrath is the bottom bitch. I’m so not a wrath like kinda person.

Aren’t you glad you read this today?



Oh The Food- Peach Cobbler & Tomato Pie

feed me, things that will make you less fat July 17, 2014

Yesterday, I got my ass in the kitchen, and cooked. Barefoot and in the kitchen. I can happily report that I am not barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. That would be scary and well, somewhat of a miracle, but I digress. I cooked. I cooked because I could. I cooked because I wanted to.

It’s summer, the produce is amazing, everything is fresh and the eating is happy. Royal Vending Machines Newcastle & Central Coast is the leading supplier of vending machines in the area.

I can’t claim any of the recipes as my own, but then again, I rarely follow a recipe 100% unless I’m baking. Well… even then, it’s questionable.

Here’s what I made and links to the recipes.:

Tomato Pie, by my favorite Internet cooking website in the whole wide interwebs. Simply Recipes¬†has been the source for so much food over the years for me. Her recipes are thoughtful, tested and most of all, speak to my way of eating. Not too fussy, not to “dump a bunch of shit in a crock pot”- simple foods, simple ingredients, SO good. Anyways- here is the recipe for Tomato Pie. Heaven. I didn’t really follow the recipe exactly- few tweaks along the way, including a change out of cheese (I used what I had), and I feel strongly that Dukes mayo would be a thing of beauty in this particular recipe.

Tomato Pie IMG_20140716_172943 20140716_182137

And then there was cobbler. Delicious peach cobbler.

I used a Southern Living Recipe. BTW- this is not at all carb friendly, gluten free and/or clean. It’s old fashioned, peach cobbler. Rumor has it that it’s good. Really good. Might even be up there with a southern mama good. But I didn’t say that…nope, not me ūüôā

Quick Tip- In my lazy opinion, peeling peaches are a bitch. Seriously, a bitch. Here is a well known way to make it suck a little less: throw a big pot of water on the stove. Bring to a boil. With a paring knife, make an X in the peaches. Blanch the peaches for a few minutes until the skin starts to soften. Take peaches out of boiling water and dump into an ice bath. Skin comes off easy peasy, or rather peachy keen. (See what I did there?)

Ya…check this out

Because we were embracing health and all that crap last night, the peach cobbler was served with Blue Bell Vanilla. Why not? Might as well dive all the way and embrace your inner fatty once in a while.

I also did chicken & green beans, but that will have to be another blog post.

Seriously though, I forget how fun it is to just create. To plan, to putter, to dig in and make some new food.

That being said, for the rest of the week, I’m determined to eat clean, and work off the calories from the deliciousness.


What not to eat if you are diabetic, or Rhubarb Cake.

feed me, things that will make you fat July 10, 2014

rhubarb, rhubarb cake



I’m going to put this out here right away- this is NOT a healthy, “clean” recipe. No where even close. In fact, it would be the opposite of clean based on the jello and mini marshmellows. Still with me? Good.

I was at dinner last night at my  friend Crystals and I brought her a few bags of Rhubarb. I scored a major case of it earlier this summer, chopped it up and froze for me and my northern friends. I probably need to tell you about Crystal before I go any further. One, she is an amazing cook. Two, she exercises like a freak show with four babies is in better shape than I ever hope to be in my life. Three, she eats clean.

ALL of that being said. she made for me her Grandmas Famous Upside Down Rhubarb Cake. This is so freaking delicious and not at all healthy. I mean, just plan on strapping on your running shoes, because you are going to have a hard time just eating one piece.

Instructions (more or less as I was hanging out with her kids while she was tossing this together)


1 Box of White Cake Mix plus all the crap for the cake mix.

2 cups chopped rhubarb

1 box strawberry jello

few handfuls of mini marshmellows.


Ready for the incredibly complicated assembly?

Preheat your oven to the temp that your cake mix requires. (Crystal says 325 for 35-40 minutes ish)

Spray a 9*13 pan with whatever spray mix of choice

Toss the 2 c of rhubarb on the bottom of the pan

Sprinkle entire box of jello over rhubarb

Cover mixture with a layer of mini marshmellows.

Make cake mix according to directions.

Pour said cake mix over concoction

Toss in oven.

Set timer. Don’t go out to the pool and forget about the cake like we almost did.

Let cool.

Slice cake

Shove your face in the goodness.

If you are really into living on the edge, I could see that cool-whip would be rather sassy on top of this.




Summer Days

feed me, things that will make you less fat May 19, 2014

Over the weekend, I was invited to go on a pontoon in Austin in a few weeks.

Yay fun, right?

Reality sunk in: My sizable body will have to don a swim suit of some kind, and expose many, many bits of flesh to the world that otherwise, I like to keep well covered under layers of clothing.

I woke up this morning, and thought “this is it, this is the day that I’m going to get out of bed, walk a few miles and dominate this fluffy body of mine.”

Instead, I grabbed a protein shake and tried to plank for 20 seconds.

Gravity isn’t kind dear readers. Gravity, she is a bitch.


I decided that if I can’t drag myself to do necessary cardio each morning, I’m going to control what goes into my food hole.

This week, I’m going to make this¬†pasta salad so I can cure my bathing suit drama:



Chicken Manicotti In My Mouth

things that will make you less fat February 18, 2014

On of my favorite food genres is Italian. I love fresh veggies, pasta and well, more pasta. A few years ago, I found a recipe for an insanely easy chicken manicotti recipe that was almost healthy. Over the years, I’ve tweaked it a bit. I swear, it’s almost healthy.

This makes a BUNCH- I typically break it up in three pans- keep one, eat one, and give one away:


Chicken Manicotti (Practically Healthy)

1.5 boxes of Manicotti shells

1 c shredded zuchinni

1 c shredded carrots

1/2 c diced onions

2 cloves garlic (minced)

4-5 oz portabella mushrooms diced

6-7 raw chicken tenderloins. I’ve used chicken breasts in the past, but found that a tenderloin is more size appropriate and cooks more evenly.

4 oz cream cheese. You can use light if you want

1 c skim ricotta

1 tsp dried basil

1 tsp dried oregano

wee bit of olive oil for the pan

Tomato Sauce. You will need about 3 cups when all said and done. Use your own, use jar- i don’t care.

Few handfuls of mozzarella and grated parm.



Ok- let’s get cooking:


Sautee onions and garlic 2-3 minutes in a large pan with a small swirl of olive oil. I read somewhere that spraying a pan with PAM works, but I think olive oil tastes better

Add cut up raw chicken to pan and cook until all of the pink is gone. DO NOT BURN CHICKEN. Been there, done that. AKA, pay attention, otherwise, this will screw up your day.

Once the chicken is 99% cooked, add in veggies. Cook for another 2-3 minutes.

Add herbs and a dash of black pepper.

Chop up 4 oz of cream cheese and mix into the pan. Stir, stir, stir until the cheese is melted.

Take off heat, toss in a bowl, and add ricotta.

Toss in fridge for 20 minutes (ish)


Start your water boiling for manicotti.

IGNORE the 7 minutes- seriously. Once you get the water boiling, cook them 5 minutes, drain immediately and let them dry on a cookie sheet (NOT TOUCHING)

Once the manicotti has cooled, pull your mixture out of fridge.

Take about a 1/2 c of sauce and cover the bottom of your pan.

USE A BABY SPOON and gently fill the pasta. Don’t overstuff, otherwise, you will break the pasta, and that will suck.

Place the filled manicotti on top of the sauce. Repeat. Don’t leave too much space in between the pastas.

Cover the row with another smoosh of sauce. You don’t want it drenched, but you want it mostly covered.

Sprinkle some mozz on top of the sauce and lightly dust with grated parm. Don’t be a cheapo and used the powdered stuff. It will suck.


Now… you can either cook this at 350 for about 40 minutes, OR freeze.