First and foremost, forgive me for any typos, errors, or formatting issues. I’m typing using a keyboard on my iPad, and as light as it is to carry, it doesn’t quite hold the functionality of a full keyboard.
Secondly, this post lacks any/all images, as I can’t be bothered to upload them here.
Finally, this is probably going to be the most honest thing I’ve ever written. If you are easily offended and/or don’t know me at all, take this very moment and hit the back arrow, leave and don’t come back.
Here we go.
I’ve been on vacation for what feels like forever. Only 5 days, but it’s been useful. I woke up this morning, thinking that my face looked effed up and in reality it’s just because the coal black suitcases under my eyes have eased up.
You know that book that everyone wanks over, “eat/pray/love”? The past five days have been more of “drink/think/give less fucks.”
If you know me personally, you know that since the beginning of ’15, my stupid fucking ears decided to give up the ghost and I was grounded. No air travel. Nada, nothing. Went from a gypsy to a home-bound bitch is less than 2 weeks. My last flight was February 26, 2015. I didn’t fly again until 30 days ago. LONGEST period of time ever. Sure, I road tripped, but it’s not the same as just waking up one morning and say “I’m going to SLC now” or “i really want a roll of pizza bread, and fly my ass to DTW.”
Instead, I was stuck driving my mom mobile all over the Midwest trying to see people that I otherwise wouldn’t be able to see.
Realization #1 of the vacation: I’m always hauling my ass to see people. With the exception of a few, visitors, I’m the one always schelpping to the destination, not the other way around. I realized as I was planning this adventure, that the majority of my time off for the past decade has been to go to “see people”, not actually just vacate life for a while. See, I’m guessing that there is a force field in Michigan that prohibits people from coming to see family in Texas. Or maybe just me, but whatever. I’m tired of taking my vacation time to go make the rounds when others can’t be damned to come visit me. Yep, I said it. If you want to see me, pick up the phone and make a plan. I’m so tired of being the one making all of the plans. Sub note: I’m retiring from being Cruise director for a while.
Realization #2- I’m lonely. I know, that’s odd to read given the fact that I do genuinely have a tremendous group of friends at home. But they are friends, not partners. Not emotional and/or physical . Amazing group of people that I have in my life yes, but none that can climb into bed with me at the end of the day. Yes, that is important to me. I miss having that. I miss having the plus one for things. Being on this trip was incredible – so many awe inspiring meals, beautiful wine, great music, but i would look over and there would be no one next to me to share it with. Ok, that’s kinda bullshit, I have an app called Marco Polo, and I’ve been making mini video texts to some girlfriends to show them/talk to them. Thank God for that, because it got pretty lonely at points of this trip. BUT, I didn’t have someone next to me to have a bottle rather than a glass. Someone to sit and do major people watching and commentary.
I’ve managed to find myself in a series of less than filling interactions with the opposite sex. Some more odd than others. Some more consuming that others. Some more hurtful than I choose to acknowledge (especially of late), and some that actually just make me really sad. Sure, some interactions have been “fuck ya, that was fun while it lasted,” but more recently, it’s been a lot of “what the fuck was that?”
I believe in a lot of things, but I think that there are various people to fill certain aspects of your needs. You can have the emotional connection with someone. You can have a physical connection with someone. Occasionally in life, you find, for a while, that person you can have both with at the same time. Count yourself lucky if you have such thing right now. Both components take a lot of work, but, if you like staring at that person in the morning, then do the fucking work, why don’t you? Don’t end up like me, typing in a hotel room in Napa Valley wondering when my next someone is going to show up.
What I have realized over the past five days that often times, as a single person, we try, in our heads, to make a person in category A, fit the role of Category B, or vice versa. Sometimes you can have mind blowing sex with someone that is just absolutely not right or available for anything beyond some intense cardio, and sometimes you have someone that is amazing on the emotional side, but um, lack the other stuff.
It’s ok to want someone that fills both categories. In fact, this weekend, I’ve come to the belief that if you don’t have some level of both, then GET THE FUCK OUT. Don’t sit around waiting for a miracle to happen. Either it works, or it doesn’t, but rarely is it going to resurrect itself into something miraculous just because you want it to. It’s ok to want more. It’s ok to tell your partner what you want/need. It’s ok to be single and say “for the love, I want a relationship on my own terms, not just to satisfy the caring yentas around me to shut up.” What I want might not look like what you have and/or think I should have, and that’s ok. I’m the one that has to wake up and live my life, not you. I need to give less shits about what other people think. I think a lot of us need to give a lot less shits about what other people think. I also think a lot of people just need to shut up and listen more, but that’s for another day.
Realization #3- I’m bored out of my skull. I need to learn something new, find a new project, get involved in something that makes me engaged, willing to learn, pushes my boundaries. I have NO idea what this means, but I am going to be working on it. Seriously, I feel like my brain is slowly becoming mush. Maybe I need to go back to school? Maybe I need to read more and play Candy Crush less? I don’t know, but for the love, I need a new something. My life is pretty selfish – me, work, dogs, rinse and repeat. Sure, I could fill the hours with stuff, but I’ve been doing that for years and I’m still bored. I want to find something to do that makes me crave to do more of it. To be excited to do it again.
It is easy to fall into a cycle of passive living.
I’ve been doing it for years, and it has to stop. I can’t afford to take trips like this all the time (if i ever want to retire), but I need to get excited about something and but soon.
So… the drink/think/give less fucks trip? Succeed in doing all of the intended things. Rolled my eyes at myself many times. Only cursed at two idiots on the road. Side note- i love driving in California. It just makes sense to me. Not all plans worked out, but that’s ok. Probably more than ok. One more day… whatever shall I do today?