This morning, before Icemageddon hit the DFW metroplex, I ventured to Target (you really do have to pronounce it TARJAY if you are going to be my friend. )

I needed a big box of salt, heavy whipping cream, light bulbs (still can’t find the one I want), and a few odds and ends. You know, the way it goes at Target.

I found myself wandering through the books/cds/dvd area, when I saw it.

The bane of my existence  – post Thanksgiving and up until Christmas eve.

The damn Elf on a Shelf.

The Elf On A Shelf

Few thoughts on this dude.

1.) He has a creepy look. Seriously, he looks like he should be driving a cargo van and smells like Drakkar. I hate, hate, hate the Elf on the shelf.

2.) He costs, are you ready for this … $30. $30 bucks to dangle this thing in front of your kid to insure that they are being good during the last month prior to Christmas? $29.90? Holy crap, that blew me away. I thought it would be $10 bucks, max. AND Now, you can buy a “girl” version and for another $10 bucks you can buy her a skirt. Like this dude doesn’t look a little light in the loafers anyways? $40 dollars for a “lasting family tradition.”

3.) People that get into Elfing kinda scare me. I mean, there are women that create elaborate scenes each day. I can barely brush my hair each day, DON’T have any kids and yet, these women create ice rinks in the middle of their toilets for their little darlings to find each day.

4.) And what the hell happened to “you better be good, or Santa is going to bring you a big ole bunch of nothing?” Why does Santa need an elaborate communication with a slightly pervy looking elf to report back? Why do we need to negotiate with the terrorists, sic, children these days? I mean, we have letters, emails, videos to Santa, endless opportunities to message with the big guy, and now we need a creepy elf stalking you to ensure that you don’t act the total fool?

Nonsense.

Stuff and Nonsense.

All of that being said, I bring you, Ezra the Elf.

Ezra, the Anti Elf on the Shelf.

According to Jewish teachings, Ezra means “helper.” I thought that would be the perfect name for my Anti-Elf on the Shelf helper.

Here is the plan:

When we get around to it this Holiday Season, you will see Ezra completing a variety of tasks.

There may or may not be pictures.

Most likely, Ezra will have a drinking problem.

I would like to point out a few things:

1.) Ezra doesn’t have a creepy face

2.) Ezra cost less than $4 bucks.

3.) Ezra looks jolly AND has his arms up to help. I don’t know where the Elf on the Shelfs arms have been. Seriously, that dude gives me the creeps.

As it is one month today from Christmas Eve, Ezra and I are plotting our version of world domination today with boozy beverages. Don’t judge. Santa doesn’t like prissy judges. Don’t make me have to launch Ezra on a “no judgey” campaign between now and the 25th of December.

To manage your expectations, Ezra isn’t going to be doing anything miraculous. It’s not how he rolls. He isn’t going to be changing the organization of my house. Who has time for that? Instead, Ezra will be here pointing out things, and generally finding mirth in this morning mimosa.

We’ve got to go get ready for Thanksgivikkuh. See you later.