Browsing Date

January 2016

dear sleep,

rants January 12, 2016

An Open Letter To Sleep:

I miss you.

No, really, I miss you a lot. I miss drifting off to sleep at a normal hour and then STAYING ASLEEP FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR.

Tonight,  I fell asleep at 11:45pm, was up at 12:30,  1:10, 3:15, and then finally gave up the ghost at 4something.

1469231869-When-I-try-to-get-some-sleep

I think lack of sleep is starting to make me ugly. No, really.

I think lack of sleep is the reason my ass is the size of a small planet. NOT my desire to have chips and queso. Or Reeses shaped anything.

I think lack of sleep is making me a bitchy, obsessive human.

I think the nightmares I’m having every single night has something to do with the lack of sleep- Last nights horror movie of sleep involved me a.) getting into a physical altercation with my arch nemesis b.) having my house robbed c.) when driving to a hotel to sleep after my house was robbed, my car was hit repeatedly in the parking lot of the hotel and a note was left on the window “suck it.”

Ya. I’m sure I probably need therapy, or just a REAL NIGHT OF SLEEP.

I’ve taken Lunesta. I’ve taken Nytol, Nyquil, Ambien (I sleep walk/shop), melasomething and tylenol PM. I’ve done sleepy time yoga, breathing exercises, blah blah. NOTHING WORKS. If I drink too late, then sleep is really not going to happen. Translation? I am at a total loss. Tomorrow night, I’m going to try sleeping in another room.

I’ve cut out caffeine after 5pm. I’ve started drinking decaffeinated hot tea. I’ve increased the water consumption. I’ve bought new sheets, new comforter, cozy pj’s. I tried diffusing essential oils in the air of my bedroom. I stopped watching tv in the bedroom. I leave my phones in the other part of the house. Only one of the dogs sleeps on the other side of the bed. He doesn’t even touch me, therefore, I can’t blame him.

SLEEP JUST WILL NOT HAPPEN.

sleep

I’m really starting to think I’m just going to never sleep again, or at least never get a solid night. I was just exist on a string of naps. I will essentially have to spend a large portion of my income on concealer and pray that no one notices the fact that I’m unable to string together sentences.

See, I would be ok with the lack of sleep if I was responsible for the survival of a baby. You know, those little creatures that rarely sleep when they are supposed to. That would be a justifiable reason for being a cracked out, exhausted maniac.

Me? I have no excuse. I just have nightmares about highly improbable life scenarios and/or lay in bed running through the list of things I forgot to do the day before.

 

 

 

 

 

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monday, january something, 2015. (amazon part two)

rants January 4, 2016

No, make that 2016.

January 4th?

I don’t even know what day it is/was/going to be.

Here is what I do know to be true. I, Kate Elizabeth, Ruler of the Craptastical Kingdom, hereby declare myself BANNED from Amazon Prime One Click Shopping.

I did it again. And again, and Again. I’ve done it before, and ended up with a super luxurious faux fur blanket (read about it here) , and welp, I need to compose myself before I list what I purchased in the past 10 days.

Note to all: Pain pills, a dash of alcohol and mind-numbing boredom from Das Boot end up in a stack of items from the ‘Zon unlike any other.

Therefore, by the grace of my debit card, for the betterment of my checking account, and/or credit score, I have detached one click shopping from my phone(s), laptop(s), iPad, tablet, and tv. NO MORE. FOR THE LOVE. NO MORE.

I just looked at my Amazon orders for 2015- 95 orders. 95. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL did I need 95 orders worth of things?

Oh yes. Let me tell you.

I ordered Step Brothers. The digital download.

I ordered black denim jeggings. Please judge me.

I ordered 12 cans of green beans.

I used Amazon Prime now to deliver a box of gold fish crackers and diet coke, because I am a lazy ho.

I ordered a 12 inch snowman glitter ornament. Two nights ago.

I ordered leopard print treat bags.

I ordered 45 packs of post it notes.

PEOPLE- these are the high/low lights. I don’t even know.  A floral potty training bell?

I love Amazon so, because it enables me to buy crap I didn’t know I needed and without leaving the house. When they start wine/booze delivery, I’m 110% hosed.

 

amazon-boxes

amazon

 

ps. my foot hurts

pss. i need to get out of the boot and working out, otherwise, I’m going to fulfill the prophecy that is this post

 

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oh say can you see (my butt from space?)

things that will make you fat January 3, 2016

the size of my intergalatic-plantetary ass?

It’s large and in charge.

The boot made me eat all of the food in Texas. Ya, that’s the ticket.

If I do ONE thing this week, and one thing only, I am going to figure out a way to abstain myself from ending up looking like Jabba The Kate. If I can make it through the week without pretending that I’m eating for triplets, I will consider that a win.

If I can GET OFF THESE EFFING STEROIDS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING IN REACH, life will be better.

In the meantime, I would like to find a dentist that will please, for the love of Cheese, WIRE MY MOUTH SHUT.

 

 

 

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