At first, it was hard to breathe. It got easier. The tougher memories faded away and instead, I just remember that first night. I was a total sassafrass, picking up a tray and taking care of a table that I had ZERO business waiting on. I’ll never forget the call when I heard that you had left us, entirely too early. You pushed me to be better, to grow, to put down the tray and focus on my career. I might not have always agreed with your methodologies, but in the end, I can look back and say with certainty that you helped me get back on track.
You were a part of my path, my story, a great tale to be told when I am old and crazy.
I think that it’s time to say good night Tokyo. Tuning out for the final time.
First of all, I need to get my ass to the grocery store. My fridge is pathetic, and my pantry is filled with power bars. That’s it. I need protein. I need veggies. I need a plan. I need not have another week of eating a high volume of Subway turkey subs because I’m too lazy to go to the Kroger that is literally NEXT DOOR to the Subway.
Secondly, my yellow labrador is not having a good day. It drives me nuts when my buddy isn’t willing to chase a squirrel or hump his Girlfriend (big teddy bear) Consuela.
Next, I need NOT remember that there is a 1/2 gallon of Hudsonville Grand Traverse Cherry Fudge ice cream in my fridge. I may have had a small bowl last night, and it would be a lie to deny that I’m already thinking about it this morning.
And then, I’ve decided that Tracy Anderson is the devil. I’m doing her beginning weight loss DVD and today I added the weights. My arms are still shaking.
I have a goal this week. Instead of being a snarky smartass, I’m going to abstain from making flippant comments. I’m going to be honest, real and if I don’t have anything good to say, I’m not going to say anything at all. Wonder how long that will last?
Finally, I’m using a new method to combat North Texas African like heat. It’s silly, but I keep looking at my pictures of my parents place in Northern Michigan. I’m looking at snaps of Christmas trees. I’m researching winter stews. I’ve decided that I’m going to trick my brain into thinking it’s not 90+ degrees.
With this in mind, I give you one of my favorite songs about winter. Ok, so maybe it’s not about winter, but it does mention winter and if you look closely at the video, there is a baby Robert Downey Jr. in the clip.
And so it happens again. A restless night of sleep, caused by a brain that just won’t shut off.
I think I was asleep by 10 tonight and woke at 1115. I wonder, why can’t I just turn off long enough for my body to recharge?
My brain is filed with a variety of things ranging from work deadlines,to the age old worry “what did I say and or do to cause that reaction?”
I’m laying here wondering how I can make my big yellow Labrador healthier.
I’m laying here frustrated because of a change in medication this week. (For me, not the dog.)
I worry that despite my snark, I’m unable to say what I really want to say.
I worry that people don’t take me seriously.
I worry about money, and my next set of bills.
I’m nervous about the last 15 miles.
I wonder if I’m ever going to hit that place in my life where everything just chugs along smoothly?
I’ve tried creating a better set up for sleep. No tv on, no computer, no reading. However, after laying in bed for hours, something has to give. I’m typing this on my phone, a feat of patience, as I don’t have historically strong phone typing skills. The computer is a few hundred miles away, and that also is a serious source off stress as I’m unable to monitor the final stages of a project.
What can I say? These are the ramblings of a really tired human.
to me that is. Today marks the 14th Anniversary of moving to Texas. On July 25, 2000, I got on a plane in Detroit Michigan, where it was a balmy 74 degrees and headed southbound to Austin Texas. Upon landing, I specifically remember the temperature being 113. Welcome to Texas!
The decision to move to Texas was a complicated one. I knew I wanted to go to Austin to live with my best friend, but my Grandma was in the final stages of a very long debilitating illness. I spoke to my Grandma about moving on what would be the last time I would see her, and she looked at me and said “Go. It’s going to be ok.” My mom and I were in shock- Grammy hadn’t said much for days. She had been partaking in a particularly strong morphine cocktail at that point. I couldn’t bring myself to leave until she had passed. The next day, July 17th, we got the call.
The wheels were in motion. I don’t remember much of the following week. Funeral, packing, booking flights. I know these things all happened, but I have no memory of the specifics.
Life in Michigan for the past year wasn’t great. I had ended a really bad, no good relationship with someone much older than me. The details don’t matter much now, but let’s just say I learned lessons that will stick with me for the rest of my life. In any relationship, there should be kindness, honestly, and a desire for each person to grow. Words should not be used as weapons, nor fists. Leaving that guy was the best thing I could do. HOWEVER… that meant I had to go stay with my parents.
For those of you that know me in real life, my relationship with my parents at that point was strained. Strained isn’t the right word. Let’s just say it was pretty Effed Up. In retrospect, my parents had a point about the ex, and I was stubborn and stupid. They helped me move out and get the hell out of that situation, and forever will I be thankful for my dad hauling my crap down stairs and my 5’3 mom looking at HIM and saying “you need to leave.”
I knew that living at my parents house wasn’t sustainable, but I didn’t really have a job that I liked (I was working at a restaurant, and another retail place at this point), I had a small stash of money, and a best friend who lived in Austin.
For the first time, my best friend suggested “why don’t you come down here?” This would not be the last time she offered me respite, but it was the most important.
A week after my Grammy passed, I packed up what little shit I owned and I was on a plane.
When I landed at Austin/Bergstrom, Caren was waiting for me in the baggage area. I knew this was a new start. A fresh beginning.
When we got in the car, she played this song- until the day I die, this song will always hold a special place in my heart:
The past 14 years have been an adventure. I’ve made some magnificent mistakes, celebrated some amazing successes. I’ve loved, lost and built over. And over. And over. I’ve fallen on my ass more times than I care to admit. Each time however, I got up and started again. I’ve had scary health things. I’ve lost jobs. Gotten jobs. Left Jobs. Started new companies. I’ve built a delicious circle of friends that expands and contracts over time. I’ve held babies, cried for the unborn ones, and dreamed of what my life could be.
So here I am, 14 years later, sitting in my little house, still in Texas, although not in Austin. I am listening to my big yellow lab snoring, preparing for a day of Pinky & the Brain-like world domination. It’s going to be over 100 degrees today, and as I started cursing wildly at the weather man this morning, I laughed and said “At least it won’t be 113.”
A few thank you’s:
To Caren. My sister from another mother, my rock, my best friend. Amazing.
To John: To my doltish Jackass who has always been a shoulder to cry on, and who told me to throw away the ugly yoga pants. You have kept me going.
To Macklin: Thank you for helping me get my first apartment on my own. 14 years later, you lead me to a path of independence. I thank you.
To Danielle & Chrissie- My Austin Sisters. You let me hide out at your house when I need it. You have taught me the ways of a good mimosa. You make me relish girls weekend and just being me. You have shown me kindness and love and that girls can be batshit crazy about football without it being weird.
To Kim: Thank you for helping me build a life up here. Appreciate it sister!
To Heather: I will always be your PR rep.
To Anne: Oh Anne. You might not be in Texas, but your heart is bigger than Texas and you supported my decision to get my ASS BACK TO TEXAS in 2008.
To the countless others that I can’t name because this would be the longest blog post in the history of mankind. Each person I’ve met over the 14 years has added richness to my life. We might not always get along, but we all add something to this crazy experience we call life.
Greetings from the land of the mostly alive. For reasons I can’t quite wrap my head around today, I have the energy of a slug. I worked out at lunch, and then took a 45 minute nap. I got almost 8 hours of sleep last night, and power napped between two calls this morning. I can’t think of a single reason that would explain this total case of drag ass. No, there wasn’t a wine-a-pallooza yesterday. If I thought about it more, I would realize that I was pretty tired yesterday too. Hmmm….
Here are a few thoughts that I feel like sharing, or rather “things I know to be true.”
1.) I am not as young as I used to be. Staring at a picture of myself yesterday, I noticed some funny business around the sides of my eyes. Wrinkles? No. Absolutely not. I was 99% sure I was going to hold off on that until I was at least 60. Women in my family don’t really get wrinkles. Or at least, my mom doesn’t, so WTF. In fact, I’m going to take said picture, mark it up and send it to my plastic surgeon friend and say “LETS MAKE A PLAN.” He is going to email me back and tell me to get a life, and the whole conversation will be shut down, but at least, at this moment, I feel like I could be doing something by emailing said plastic surgeon. Maybe I can at least con him to do my boobs. But what happens if much like chocolate, diet coke and wine, I become addicted, and I end up like this?
2.) Second thought: Yes, I am ok with getting a little work done. I am single. My biggest fear is turning into Ursula, the sea hag. Remember her? She is the evil hag from Little Mermaid that bamboozled Ariel into giving up her voice. Damn Ariel got the man anyways… I digress. Much like I see nothing wrong with a little bump & grind, I see nothing wrong with a little lift and injection. Specficially, lifting the girls, and injecting my face.
4.) I need to plan food this week, but all I can think about is napping. Any quick veggie/poultry or fish recipes that anyone out there in Internetland can suggest? Seriously, I need to figure out why I’m such a lardass/dragass today. I feel that if I ate something amazing it might perk me up.
Thus, in conclusion, to wrap it up, I’ve got a whole buncha nothing. Work is busy, and my ass drags to the ground.
I’ve been in a weird cycle of data analysis for the past 18 hours. Lots of hours sitting, pouring over countless spreadsheets of data- bids, clearing prices, and other industry jargon of boringness.
To keep myself company, I’ve been playing through ALL of my music- Two iPods and a Zune. Yes, I really had a Zune. Still love it actually. ANYHOO…I just found myself listening to Pinky, my original iPod, circa 2003-2006. First of all, I’m going to disclose something that is going to be a total shock to ANYONE THAT HAS EVER MET ME: I am a sucker for a good romantic ballad. Yep, I know, shocking right?
I just heard a Heather Headley song play “I Wish I Wasn’t In Love”. Oh dear sweet baby peach cobbler… I’m sure there was an intention for this song. I’m 99% sure, I probably sat around drinking an alcoholic beverage dedicating this song Casey Kasem style to some GUY. The best part of all of this? I have ZERO concept of who would have evoked this level of passion and dedication during the time of this particular iPod. Sure, there were some semi romantical flings, but I’m 99.9998% sure that there wasn’t a gent out worthy of this level of passion in a song.
Or perhaps there was.
It’s interesting to me how caught up we get in moments. Be it romantical (i’m trying to make this word a “thing”- bear with me), work related, friend related, it’s amazing to me how caught up we get in the instant heat of a crisis/moment, or perceived tragedy.
Think about it, Johnny Paycheck hated his job* so much that he wrote this little diddy:
Alanis was SO pissed off at Dave Coulier**that she wrote this magnificent dedication:
My point, and I’m trying to get there, is that music triggers emotions, thoughts, and other overwhelming feelings***. It is something that we carry with us, in our heads for years after we heard the song, tying back an emotion, a memory or a song.
I will say this, I just heard this song, and I’m not going to lie, I totally remember the intention, the memory and the “feelings.” Then again, who wouldn’t remember cruising through DC with an amazing girlfriend blasting this and singing at the top of our lungs “SHE GOT YOU FOR 18 YEARS”
* Tell me – is there a person out there that hasn’t wanted to blast this song at their workplace at some point?
**Side Note, it’s only rumors that cause me to share the fact that Alanis was banging Uncle Joey and wrote this song as an ultimate “Screw you”
*** I’m guessing the cool kids would probably say “feels”, but I would rather give myself a lobotomy than non ironically use “feels” in a sentence.