Browsing Date

March 2014

A Barren Spinsters Take On Holiday

manifestos March 18, 2014

Before I get lambasted, let me just preface this post by the following: IT’s MY OWN OPINION.

blog make it stop

Holidays have gone off the charts whackadoo.

I noticed this a few years ago when someone started giving presents during Advent. You know, the days LEADING UP to Christmas? The celebration of the birth of Christ? This ain’t Hanukkah. Presents aren’t suppose to be given each day of Advent. The nuns would have told me so. Presents. Oy, the presents. I’m always blown away by the absurd amount of presents a kid gets on Christmas. Ipads, bikes, phones more expensive than what I, as a 37-year-old woman has. Stacks of clothes. Stockings so heavy that they need reinforcement. Holy hell. We’ve lost touch with the concept of gift giving and the spirit of the holidays.

 

Halloween. GIFT Baskets for Halloween? How about “throw on a costume and DO THE WORK” for the candy. WALK THE STREETS you little urchins. Don’t go to a trick or Trunk (lame concept if you ask me). If you want to go trick or treating walk the streets with your parents, say HI to your neighbors and guess what, we will give you candy. DO THE WORK.

 

Valentines Day. Pinterest has destroyed this holiday. Parents staying up for hours the night before to craft an amazing gimme for their kids to pass out at school. Way to eff up your kids expectations if they are getting highly curated gifts in First Grade, what are they going to do the first time their boyfriend forgets or God Forbid, goes to Walgreens for a present? My favorite Valentines Day? Third grade. We made, emphasis on WE, not our parents, MADE VALENTINES day boxes out of whatever crap our moms had lying around. THEN we would walk around and hand out store-bought tiny valentines. IF you were lucky, you might get a Hershey kiss, or maybe those message hearts. NOT elaborate projects that no kid even touched.

 

Easter. Oh sweet baby Target. Easter. There is a woman down the street that has already tossed out the Easter decorations. In my very Catholic house, we didn’t celebrate, decorate, or acknowledge EASTER until Easter Sunday. Why? Because LENT is the most solemn time of reflection and it wasn’t appropriate. Easter Saturday we would decorate some eggs with dye, and then wake up on Sunday morning to a basket filled with some jelly beans, Hershey kisses and maybe a coloring book. MAYBE. No major Easter presents. New dress for mass, and boom, that’s what it was.

 

Yesterday, I sailed off the deep edge when I saw posts of people “hiding presents from the leprechaun.” Are you effing kidding me? St. Patrick’s Day is a Feast Day celebrating the DEATH of St. Patrick. Hell, Irish people don’t even go batshit crazy over this one. How did it become ok to start hiding pots of Gold? PINTEREST, I’m LOOKING AT YOU AGAIN. Growing up, we might wear a green sweater, or a green pair of knee socks and then go to MASS. You know, because it’s a religious holiday. As a young adult, I got hammered twice on Green Beer and then vowed “NEVER AGAIN.”

 

Sure, I hosted a brunch this weekend with Guinness themed food. Why? I wanted a reason to celebrate, and people are growing tired of my birthday raging. So, we made it kinda green. We are adults. There were no gold coins, leprechaun hiding crap, or pots of gold under a rainbow. Instead there were a bunch of middle-aged women listening to Flogging Molly and drinking gallons of champagne. Because we could.

I beg you. Plead with you SLOW YOUR ROLL on Holidays. Not everything is gift worthy. Not everything is a present party. We are teaching kids to wake up, look at the calendar and hold their hand out because today is “Terrific Tuesday, a glorious day for T themed presents.”

 

 

 

 

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stuff & nonsense

random me March 16, 2014

randomness at the late hour on a sunday evening:

 

1.) I’m insanely superstitious about sporting events. In fact, I blame myself for Michigans loss today because I actually watched the game.

2.) Some days I just need zero human interaction. It needs to be a movie watching, no bra wearing, eating whatever I want, kind of day.

3.) After a jillion years, I still get excited when I get texts from certain people.

4.) I’m currently watching Funny Girl for the 120th time. Maybe 150th time. Hello Gorgeous.

5.) I don’t suffer fools lightly.

6.) I’m trying to make a decision about something that will impact my life, my free time and my patience. ┬áIn my head, getting pregnant would be the perfect solution to this situation. Medical miracle, but it’s the only thing I can think of that can excuse me from this project. “Sorry, I can’t do that, I’m pregnant. Sorry, I don’t want to do that, I need to rest. Sorry, I can’t lift that, I’m in a delicate position…” Oy.

7.) I’m rather angry that I didn’t win the lotto on Friday. I had very large plans that involved paying off some bills AND taking a month nap at a resort with my dogs and getting massages and pedicures every other day.

8) I’m oh-so-very ready for consistent good weather. I’m ready to plant flowers, tend my garden and start something new.

9. My D key isn’t working all of the time. That’s my story for any misspellings and bad typos.

 

 

late 30’s equals end of life planning

manifestos March 2, 2014

Last night, in a fog of the good cough syrup and benadryls, i realized that I didn’t have a will and/or plan of action if I kicked the bucket tomorrow.

 

For example, would someone know to call my clients to tell them I died?

Who has my mom’s phone number? I’m guessing she would want a call.

Who get’s my dogs?

Who gets the 19 boxes of Christmas shit?

Crap- how many days could i be dead in my house before someone realized that I kicked the bucket?

 

I probably need to figure this out. Since I’m single, no kids, no husband, there is no one to figure this stuff out. I need to write things down. I need to have a “Call list.”

I need to figure out who gets my collection of 90’s CD’s and trashy romance novels.

 

Here is what I do know:

1.) Someone needs to call my parents if I kick the bucket.

2.) Someone needs to take my dogs.

3.) Someone needs to delete my email account and social media.

4.) I want to be cremated, and my ashes divided into thirds. One will go to my parents to deal with. Second batch, Nang will know what to do with. Third- field of bluebonnets with Dixie Chicks Wide Open Spaces playing.

5.) Someone please throw a boozy party after I kick the bucket. I’m talking lots of carbs, lots of chocolate, and lots of cocktails.

 

This wasn’t a depressing post or anything huh?