Browsing Date

November 2013

i just can’t even post today

random me November 28, 2013

The Lions.

Pie.

Stupid Jarod Jeweler Commercials.

A Pinterest Project that is taking FOREVER. 2 hours my eye.

Turkey Trot.

The Lions.

Decorating tomorrow.

Broken Fridge.

 

Word association is brought to you today by the letter T for Turkey and the letter L for Lions.

 

Brain fried.

More tomorrow. I promise. Three projects, two new recipes, and Bing Crosby.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIDPdOyZN7c

 

This Kid Has Moves

random me November 24, 2013

My mom sent me this today- the most adorable kid has a dance off with the usher at Detroit Pistons Palace of Auburn Hills. I ask you- who won the dance off at the Pistons? The kid or the usher?

 

 

 

The Anti Elf on a Shelf

manifestos November 24, 2013

This morning, before Icemageddon hit the DFW metroplex, I ventured to Target (you really do have to pronounce it TARJAY if you are going to be my friend. )

I needed a big box of salt, heavy whipping cream, light bulbs (still can’t find the one I want), and a few odds and ends. You know, the way it goes at Target.

I found myself wandering through the books/cds/dvd area, when I saw it.

The bane of my existence  – post Thanksgiving and up until Christmas eve.

The damn Elf on a Shelf.

Stupid Elf on a Shelf

The Elf On A Shelf

Few thoughts on this dude.

1.) He has a creepy look. Seriously, he looks like he should be driving a cargo van and smells like Drakkar. I hate, hate, hate the Elf on the shelf.

2.) He costs, are you ready for this … $30. $30 bucks to dangle this thing in front of your kid to insure that they are being good during the last month prior to Christmas? $29.90? Holy crap, that blew me away. I thought it would be $10 bucks, max. AND Now, you can buy a “girl” version and for another $10 bucks you can buy her a skirt. Like this dude doesn’t look a little light in the loafers anyways? $40 dollars for a “lasting family tradition.”

3.) People that get into Elfing kinda scare me. I mean, there are women that create elaborate scenes each day. I can barely brush my hair each day, DON’T have any kids and yet, these women create ice rinks in the middle of their toilets for their little darlings to find each day.

4.) And what the hell happened to “you better be good, or Santa is going to bring you a big ole bunch of nothing?” Why does Santa need an elaborate communication with a slightly pervy looking elf to report back? Why do we need to negotiate with the terrorists, sic, children these days? I mean, we have letters, emails, videos to Santa, endless opportunities to message with the big guy, and now we need a creepy elf stalking you to ensure that you don’t act the total fool?

Nonsense.

Stuff and Nonsense.

All of that being said, I bring you, Ezra the Elf.

Ezra, the Anti Elf on the Shelf.

Ezra, the Anti Elf on the Shelf.

 

According to Jewish teachings, Ezra means “helper.” I thought that would be the perfect name for my Anti-Elf on the Shelf helper.

Here is the plan:

 

When we get around to it this Holiday Season, you will see Ezra completing a variety of tasks.

There may or may not be pictures.

Most likely, Ezra will have a drinking problem.

 

I would like to point out a few things:

 

1.) Ezra doesn’t have a creepy face

2.) Ezra cost less than $4 bucks.

3.) Ezra looks jolly AND has his arms up to help. I don’t know where the Elf on the Shelfs arms have been. Seriously, that dude gives me the creeps.

As it is one month today from Christmas Eve, Ezra and I are plotting our version of world domination today with boozy beverages. Don’t judge. Santa doesn’t like prissy judges. Don’t make me have to launch Ezra on a “no judgey” campaign between now and the 25th of December.

To manage your expectations, Ezra isn’t going to be doing anything miraculous. It’s not how he rolls. He isn’t going to be changing the organization of my house. Who has time for that? Instead, Ezra will be here pointing out things, and generally finding mirth in this morning mimosa.

We’ve got to go get ready for Thanksgivikkuh. See you later.

 

 

 

 

 

Fractured Fairy Tale

random me November 21, 2013

If you read that in the past few months a woman had her house struck my lightning, lost her job, car died and roof leaks from an unknown source, would you suggest

a. this is a really bad Lifetime Movie and change the channel?

b. that woman is a sad sack of pathetic and should be put out of her misery?

c. surely she is soon to be rescued from this evil karma that surrounds her

 

Just wondering. For a friend

 

In lieu of a decent blog post today, I provide to you a video that suits my mood:

* warning, angry, pissed off music below. there is a lack of bleeping out expletives

 

 

 

 

 

My Doctorate in Medicine

random me November 20, 2013

What? You didn’t realize I had a MD attached to my name?

 

doctor kate

Oh yes, I do. Based on extensive research, I’ve granted myself the all-powerful Kate, MD title. What sites caused such incredible knowledge? Specifically, but not limited to WebMD.com and Mayoclinic.com.

Let me share with you some of my awesome diagnoses:

 

Exhibit A:

Shingles.

A month or so ago, I found that I had developed a rash on my side, right under my bra line. Without pause, I dashed to WebMD, and sought out the expert advice of the Self Diagnosis tool. It appears that my symptom (singular) was right in line with Shingles. I had Chicken Pox when I was in 2nd grade, so therefore, it could be nothing but shingles.

An hour or so later, I was chatting with Hey Jude (aka, my mother), who politely suggested that perhaps it could have been an allergic reaction to the home laundry detergent that I had recently made.

Well hell.

 

Exhibit B.

Colon Cancer.

Earlier this fall, I was on a militant no carb, all protein diet. Awesome for your digestive track. Right?

My innards didn’t appreciate the high volume of meat, and very little ingestion of anything with fiber. My guts started to revolt. In a big, bad way.

I’ll spare you the details, but I was sure that I had ulcerative colitis or colon cancer thanks to a trip to MayoClinic.com

I started planning my funeral. I was surely a goner.

Upon sharing said diagnosis with my friend Danielle, who, by the by, works for a large Gastro group in Austin, it was suggested that instead of fatal colon cancer, perhaps I have a hemmoroid, or just a really upset stomach from eating non-stop beef and chicken. No bread, no leafy vegetables.

She also suggested that perhaps I should quell my crazy and take a nap.

 

I shared my expertise with a physician friend last week when I was in North Dakota. Let’s just say he rolled his eyes, shook his head, and poured me another glass of wine.

 

I wish people would realize that I’m damn good at this doctoring thing. Hell, I’m practically Doogie Houser, MD.