Here is what I do know to be true. I, Kate Elizabeth, Ruler of the Craptastical Kingdom, hereby declare myself BANNED from Amazon Prime One Click Shopping.
I did it again. And again, and Again. I’ve done it before, and ended up with a super luxurious faux fur blanket (read about it here) , and welp, I need to compose myself before I list what I purchased in the past 10 days.
Note to all: Pain pills, a dash of alcohol and mind-numbing boredom from Das Boot end up in a stack of items from the ‘Zon unlike any other.
Therefore, by the grace of my debit card, for the betterment of my checking account, and/or credit score, I have detached one click shopping from my phone(s), laptop(s), iPad, tablet, and tv. NO MORE. FOR THE LOVE. NO MORE.
I just looked at my Amazon orders for 2015- 95 orders. 95. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL did I need 95 orders worth of things?
Oh yes. Let me tell you.
I ordered Step Brothers. The digital download.
I ordered black denim jeggings. Please judge me.
I ordered 12 cans of green beans.
I used Amazon Prime now to deliver a box of gold fish crackers and diet coke, because I am a lazy ho.
I ordered a 12 inch snowman glitter ornament. Two nights ago.
I ordered leopard print treat bags.
I ordered 45 packs of post it notes.
PEOPLE- these are the high/low lights. I don’t even know. A floral potty training bell?
I love Amazon so, because it enables me to buy crap I didn’t know I needed and without leaving the house. When they start wine/booze delivery, I’m 110% hosed.
ps. my foot hurts
pss. i need to get out of the boot and working out, otherwise, I’m going to fulfill the prophecy that is this post
For the love of all that is good and holy, the past 7 days, or rather the first 7 days of this spanking new year has totally sucked.
I could extrapolate on the fact that yesterday, I watched the casket lid close on my friend Amys sweet face, but I won’t.
I could talk about Weezie being a nutbag after getting into a scrap last week, but I won’t.
I also won’t bitch about the fact that there is something significantly wrong with the drain from my washing machine to the outdoors. NO one needs to hear about that.
Instead, on this, the 8th day of 2017, 58 days until I hit my 40th year, I choose to try to bring myself up from the gutter and find some good.
I find good in the company of those with whom I brunched today.
I find good in the fact that our waiter did not appear to think I was the ugliest girl in puppet land, despite the fact that he was a child.
I find good in the fact that my heat works, my dogs didn’t destroy anything while I was trying to drink away the hell of the week.
I find good in the fact that I ate chips & dip tonight for dinner. I mean, I know, I know, I need to do better, but I needed something fast and easy and it was there.
I find good in the fact that I’m sitting here admiring Christmas Tree # 2 as I compose this Pulitzer-winning prose.
I find good in the fact that something has snapped in this brain of mine, and I just don’t give a shit about stupid things anymore. Don’t you like me? That’s ok. Don’t you invite me to your shit? That’s ok. I’m not going to get butt hurt by exclusions this year, but I do know that I daresay will try less to please other people. I’ve spent most of my life pleasing people and where has that gotten me? Relationships work both ways. You give, you take. There should be a balance. If there is not balance, something is indeed off and needs to be analyzed. Bear with me as I gain my sea legs, but I am finally have come to the long overdue realization that relationships, either emotional, sexual, or friendly should be equally reciprocal. Period, end of story. If they are not, perhaps they need some thought and adjustment. Life is too short to not be happy.
This year. Oh, this year. I’m going to do things differently this year. Truthfully, it has less to do with the 40-year number, rather than I am just sick to death of trying to please others all the damn time. I think that straw broke a few months ago, and I finally am ready to do something about it.
It’s time to get a life.
It’s time to get my groove back.
And finally, I can’t stop thinking about this song:
Greetings from the bedroom on Lavender Lane on this fine first day of 2017.
I can say with almost complete certainty that 2016 was an absolute #shitshow. Yes, I hashtagged it because it was SO STUPID.
A quick year in review:
The shitter literally broke. Had to get a new sewer line.
Gas leak in the house required an installation of all new gas pipes.
Sinus Surgery/Septoplasty in May. Took waaaaaaaay longer to recover than expected.
Found out I was literally allergic to 99% of Texas.
The meltdown of epic proportions on the trip home to Michigan. Maybe, after a few years of therapy, I will be able to discuss that trip.
Ankle reconstruction surgery- still recovering and it’s going SLOW SLOW SLOW.
Witnessed one of the grossest Presidental elections I most likely will ever see in my lifetime.
Made a string of exceptionally unwise life choices between January and yesterday, but luckily none of them fatal 🙂
Broke up a shitty dog fight between my old girl and one of my best friends pups yesterday. THAT shat all over my weekend away (hence coming home two days early)
Watched many people fight cancer in a way that is both awe-inspiring and heartbreaking.
I mean, there is probably more but for the sake of this post, I think we can all agree that it is enough.
So, I sit here in yoga pants and a sweatshirt pondering the last 365 days. I started laughing because I just spilled bleach all over my favorite pants, but then I realized, my boot had already jacked them up. So, really, no big loss.
Upon this realization, I decided that I’m just going to Pollyanna the living SHIT out of this year. When something bad happens, I’m forcing myself find something to be glad about.
Example: Despite the antics of yesterday, I’m glad that my Weezie girl didn’t go full on crazy and instead kept her cool as much as she could. The fight could have been so much worse. I’m glad that we ended up coming home because the stairs were literally wrecking my ankle. See, Pollyanna-ed the heck out of that.
I’m turning 40 this year. That is just flat out weird. I don’t know how I really feel about this change in decades. I mean, it’s literally just a number on a driver’s license, but it still feels odd. I’m working through some thoughts about the past 40 and what I plan on doing with the next 40.
I’m in a job I truly enjoy and get to be myself on a daily basis. Heck, I GOT CHAMPAGNE for my one year anniversary. That is just incredible.
I need to work on what goes in my mouth. As I am still not quite up to fighting form cardio wise, I can control what goes into the food hole. Blah blah. Everyone says that.
I need to work on doing more. Just in general. Explore more. Get away more. Board my pups more and get the hell out of town more. I make enough money, I should be doing life more.
I want to travel a bit more.
I want to read more.
I want to cook more meals for people. I find joy in feeding the masses, I have a cute house, therefore, I need to entertain more often. This also will justify the purchasing of a few bits of cookware I have my eyes on.
I will continue to consume the bubbles on a regular basis. I’m going to try to do a better job documenting what I drink and restart my quest to #100bottlesofbubbles by the end of the year. With friends, this should be an easy undertaking.
I need to spend less time looking behind my shoulders and more time focused on what’s next.
So, this completes the first entry of 2017. The year of Pollyanna’ing the hell out of life. The year of existing on this earth for 14600 days.
So, instead of dwelling on #2016shitshow, I am trying to wipe the snark out of my eyes and look towards the next upcoming year. Surely something amazing will happen, right?
Ok, maybe not so much. it’s morning. it’s dark outside. I’m less crabby than I was yesterday. I slept for 5 glorious hours last night. I have a hot lunch date today with a friend and her glorious little baby. I’m going to eat SCHWARMA. Chicken glorious shwarma. Side note, I am moderately concerned about my level of excitement for Chicken Schwarma at 5am, but whatever.
Last night, as I was falling asleep, I was crafting the perfect blog post in my head. I was just tired enough not to get up and write it down, but man, it was eloquent. I was reflecting on the past 10 months and had some thoughts. Some intense, deep thoughts. Five hours later, they are literally gone with the wind.
Here is the gist of my late night musings- This year has been a year filled with change, interesting life choices and declarations of independence. I’ve had one hellacious surgery and getting ready to have another on Friday. I’ve spent more of my year in the boot than I’ve not and finally I’m going to address this issue. I have significantly fewer sinus infections post surgery than I’ve had in about 8 years, and for that I’m thankful. Now perhaps I can get back to the business of living once healed?
As I listen to Old Crow Music Show “Wagon Wheel”, I realize that this year hasn’t been “that bad.” Work has been steady, I’ve been able to pay for all of the things I’ve needed. I’ve done some work to the house and am getting ready to do a bit more. My yard is a mess, but whatever. I’ll get to that next year. I’ve gotten to go on a few adventures, one big road trip, and a few getaways to Austin. Next year, I’m going to branch out and hit the road a bit more. Marfa, Colorado, New Mexico and Port A are on my list of upcoming 2017 trips.
I’ve become a bit more selfish this year. I’m actually ok with that. I’ve grown up watching people live a life of partial martyrdom and frankly, I don’t want to go to the grave wondering “what-if?” If I want to go some place, I will go. If I want to eat something, I will. If I want that big shiny toy on the top shelf, I’m probably going to climb up and grab it. I’ve become selfish with my time. I’m less likely to spend hours dedicated to doing stuff that doesn’t bring me happiness. I’m even less likely going to spend any time doing stuff that doesn’t resonate with me.
Here is what I know to be true:
At some point on Friday, I’m going to have surgery that will repair about 20 years of damage done to my right ankle. I’m going to be stuck at home for a while, and that’s ok. I’m going to heal, try not to whack Georgie with my crutch, and hit PT with a vengeance. I want to do the 5.7 miles Great Turtle Trail run next fall. I want to join a paddle club next summer. I just want to move. I want to do. I want to fish and be outside. Holy shit, if I spend one more spring/summer either in a boot or in pain, I might just hack off this ankle and be done with it.
I’m absolutely over it being warm. Yesterday my air-conditioning kicked on and this overwhelming fit of rage took over me and I wanted to punch someone. One should NOT have to use their A/C at the end of October.
I need to write more. Professionally, personally, commercially. I love to write and I’ve gotten so very lazy.
I need to start working on my exterior illumination plan for the upcoming holidays.
It’s time for some action and some changes. I’m chuckling about the last sentence because I’m literally going to be stuck in bed for what might feel like forever starting on Friday, but MAN, will I have some plans.
I will strive not to be an asshole. This is a big one, but it’s worthwhile. While many are trying to climb the social ladders, to be leaders, to be everything to everyone, I just want to be less of an asshole, more of a decent person. That means that despite the whole “selfish” manifesto above, I need to think about impact. I need to make sure I’m not purposely being an asshole whenever possible. I mean, it’s probably going to happen, but let’s make Kate great again…
AND THAT BRINGS ME TO MY FINAL EFFING POINT.
I swear to Jesus, if I hear you bitching about the results of the election and find out that you didn’t vote because you didn’t like either candidate, I’m going to stick you in a crate with George. Seriously.
As I discussed with my friend Leslie the other evening, it’s probably going to be good that I’m locked up in my house between now and election day. I just want it to be over. I’m only going to watch West Wing and Romantic Comedies. And Football. And maybe some cartoons. BUT I’m OVER IT.
Be a fucking grown up, weigh out your options and go vote. Vote in your local elections, vote at the state level and for the love of all that is good and holy VOTE FOR PRESIDENT. Now, if you know me, you should know who I’m voting for. But I won’t try to sway you or anything. Let’s just say I’m off creamsicles for the near future and have a weird desire to listen to Janet Jackson. I know that some of you don’t agree with me and that’s ok. I mean, I’ll still break bread with you after this is all over. And probably drink some wine. Or some vodka. Let’s just put this behind us and move on. Hopefully. I have hope.
I mean, I literally let an entire season pass without updating this blog. IN FACT, I had forgotten about the existence of said blog until this morning and while brushing my teeth thought “oh holy shit, I should probably update this thing.”
So, here is the scoop of all the things that have happened since June.
I went to Michigan.
I fractured the ankle.
I yelled at George.
I forgot how to cook.
I broke up with a memory.
I spent the night in St. Louis twice.
I tried to go see Precious Moments Museum and failed.
I drafted not one, but two fantasy football leagues.
I make ongoing questionable life choices.
I’ve held at least 3 babies.
I sustained from Junior League.
I drank a glass of champagne. Or four. Or whatever.
I went to Austin.
I went to Dallas.
I went to Fort Worth.
Seriously, that’s about it.
It’s a blah little life. I’m currently pondering life and all of the intricacies. I wish I could say that I hit my goals before I’m 40, but well, that is just not going to happen. I can’t pretend to say that I’m ok with all aspects of my life, but it is my life. I do have a borderline cute house that is in need of a good scrubbing, and I have two fuzzy pups that keep me from running away forever.
I did learn this summer that it’s ok to say “enough” to a shitty situation and just leave.
I did remember this summer that there is still a lot of life to live.
I remembered this weekend that it’s ok to be honest and say “i’m having a shitty day and that’s ok.”
I also remembered at some point this morning that I probably should just go on more adventures. Find the change that I’ve been seeking. Be a little more selfish. Blah blah yackity smackity.
As of today, I am closer to 40 than I am to 30. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean, or how I am supposed to react to the changing of a decade. I mean, sure, I would have liked the construct of my life to be different as I head into a new decade, but let’s face it- some people appear to have that very thing and we know that a portion of the public portrayal is total and utter bullshit.
I think that’s what I finally figured out this summer. Sometimes you have to be ok with the life that you are handed, and you just have to live for yourself, not anyone else. (or what you think you should do to keep up appearances)
Life is entirely too fucking short to live in mediocrity. I look towards the upcoming season change to create some change of my own. The fact that I can sit here and rattle off the essential nothing that I’ve done over the past 3 months is just stupid.
PS- I woke up with an tone this morning, because it’s HOT. I mean, it’s going to 99 degrees today. I’d say “let’s run away to some fall like destination”, but it appears that mother nature has had a total and utter hotflash and can’t figure out where she put her hormones. If Michigan is going to be 85 degrees today, there is just no running away.
Will one of you hold me accountable to updating this blog a few times a week?
I do have things to talk about, I honestly just forget to head over here.
Oh, and I did fall in love with this song this weekend, which was technically still in the summer, so it’s borderline ok to include in this wrap-up.
Holy hell, it’s the first day of summer. Bit of a let down really, as here in Texas, it’s felt like summer for about 10 days, including the sweating, sun and feeling like you are going to melt after being outside for more than a few hours, but it is the first day of summer whether I like it or not!
So what happens on Solstice? Longest day of the year, lightest day of the year and the happy midpoint.
In an effort to celebrate solstice, let me suggest a little playlist. I know it’s not 100% complete, but it’s the first thing that came to my mind this morning before I consumed vast quantities of caffeine.
If I do die, please someone take care of the dogs, and please write a good obit that references my love for leopard print, charitable acts of snark, and my quest for the perfect slice of apple pie. oh and the fact that i am a barren spinster. please & thank you.